Dealing.

I'm still dealing with getting over that phase.  That period.  That person.  That someone that I like so much.  That (fantasy) stage that I'm addicted to.

But how do I get over something/someone when I don't even know where I stand in it.

Oh God.

From being so loved to being so loathed, liked then rejected, appreciated then being lied to and avoided at all cost.

How do I deal?  Should I move on?  Or should I wait and see what happens?

It hurts.  It does.  It tags at my heart strings.

Everything I see around me reminds me of everything I shouldn't be reminded of.

I still remember everything so clearly.  I still feel.  I still think.  I still like.  Worst of all, I still love.

I was always wrong.  In a lot of things.  My genuine love became actions expressed by desperate moves.  My intentions were good, they were the best (I believed so).  But my expressions of them were the total opposite.  I couldn't stop.

I went crazy at times.  Obsessed with love.  Obsessed with imaginary fantasies.  Obsessed with dreams of the one I am (or was?) with.  Obsessed with happiness.  Obsessed with being loved.  Obsessed with being obsessed.  Just plain obsessed.

I went out of control.  Went into desperate rage.  I just went on and on without stopping until I was blocked of all means of communication.  Then I stopped, organised myself, started to pick up the pieces and even though I still hurt, I tried to get moving in a new direction.  Moving at a snail's pace, but at least I'm moving.

I'm still fighting.  Still learning.  Still growing in wisdom (I like to believe so :) )

And in all these, I find, that God is still good.  All the time.  He lifts me up out of the miry clay.  He sets my feet on higher ground.  He shows me His faithfulness, His goodness and His abundant grace.  God is good.  All the time.  God is truly good.  Has been.  Always will be.

Love, Ny.