Talk. Talk. Talk.

So sick of it.  Sick and tired of all of it.  All I hear is talk, talk, talk and more talk.

I listen too much into everything.  Absorb too much of whatever is said to me, whatever I listen to.  When it's good it's too good that it's bad.  When it's great it's too great that I go out of control for not handling it the correct way.  Why does it seem that  there's always already a rule to every new  path.  Rules I never seem to follow.  Why don't things just happen because they do.  Why isn't the universe never flexible.  Just enough flexibility would be fine.  Why do the stars run away from me when it comes their time to take up responsibility and guide me through certain spots.

Talk.

I react to it with restlessness, fear and most times even dread.  I also react to it with high expectations.  Too high.  That's when talk becomes too much.  Because when it's too much I spend days on end thinking about everything that amounts to nothing.

Talk.

Where does it come from?  From everyone around me to the very mind that controls my being every single moment of my breathing.  Myself.

I'm sick.  Truly sick of listening and listening to every single thing.  Sick of allowing myself to be bombarded with every sound of it.

Talk.

I bet everyone around me is tired of me too.  All I do lately is talk, talk and talk.  Even in my silence.  Which a lot of people have described as being louder than making sound itself.

Talk.

It seems that the feeling everywhere is mutual.

Let's stop here.

Love, Ny.

To not read what I myself write

I'm so lazy, like literally, lazy, and have that 'I don't have time for this-don't wanna be bothered-please take me away' kinda feeling when it comes to proof-reading my own work.

I wish I didn't have to do any of it.  I don't like to.  I DON'T WANT TO!  I wish I didn't need to.  I wish I don't need to at all in the future.  In any of my future.

I need a secretary.  I know it's too soon for that.  I'm a poor PhD student.  My scholarship provides for my dorm, tuition and credit fees.  Only.  I don't have any part-time jobs whatsoever.  No allowance.

But I really need a proof-reader to read my every work.  I meant a Paid Proofreader.  One that I can boss around.  My daily work in writing needs to be re-read and corrected.  I wish I could just write through any writing once.  Whether it be a blog like this one, a manuscript for a journal, or even just course work essays or experiments write ups.

I need someone, some people, some willing anyone, to proofread everything for me.  PROOF READ FOR ME.  See that?

Good.

Come to think of it, it's funny.  Just so funny that I always have to wait to be in the 'right mood' to write something, study, read, proof-read something.  Anything.

Maybe I should wait for the 'right mood' to be in before I start my PhD.

Funny.

So much for all these PhD preparations and plans.

I have nothing more to say right now.

Bye.

Ny.

First PhD Hurdle

Yes I call it the first.  My very first PhD hurdle.  Because it was from my labmates.  The closest people I have in my small 'PhD network'.

I don't have strong immediate supporters that are like my labmates.  No other support compares to theirs.  Whether they are aware of it or not, they walk with me through every step of my journey.

Was it my fault?  Should I have let them know earlier that they will still be seeing me around?  Ordering chemicals for me?  Fixing my machines for me?  Having to read Chinese characters when I get lost trying to?  Get scolded at by our Advisor because of me?  Negotiation on my behalf?  Staying up late in the lab to give me a hand?  Answer my questions on Line any time of the day or night?

They are the real deal behind my work.  They do not receive enough credit for it.  They are not being appreciated enough.  They do not realize that I need them more than any other group in the campus.

Today was different though.  They reacted with surprised looks on their faces.  I got the shock of the day.  Hope this doesn't last the whole week.  Really not in the mood to make another blog post about it.

Well it seems this could be the beginning of a thread-like topic here.

They laughed in mockery at the news that our Advisor has already had my 'next topic' in mind.  They gasped at the idea that I would be staying for PhD.  They had expected me to finish my paper, have it published and be off and out of the lab.

I had to defend myself by answering their questions with rhetorical questions.  I had to.  I became defensive.

Yes they were on my side.  But I need to get them on my side again.  Don't wanna be walking this road alone you guys.

So I am taking my time.  Allowing time to let the news sink in.  Soon we'll be on the same page again.  All I need is time.  And orders from my Advisor for my darling lab mates to go about my case.  Of course.  Then I'll be good.

Good to go.  Good to overcome this and be ready for the next, more bigger, hurdles.

My dearest Labmates.  We are family.  We will always be.  Well, at least for the next three years.

Love, Ny.