Looking forward to something.

I've always loved looking forward to something.  I still do.  Always.  For anything good, pleasant, desirable.

I love the idea of having different things happening all at the same time so I don't need to have a break.  I can go from doing one thing and straight on to another.

After my day is done, I'd like to know that there is food that I'm willing to go back home for to prepare. Or that there is money available to buy food, cooked or uncooked.  Or that there is something waiting for me.  Or someone somewhere to meet up and hang out.  Or that there are friends who are up to something that I could be a part of.  After all the activities of the day are done, I'd like to have sleep come at me and knock me down at the instant that I want it to.

When it comes to having a meal in front of me, I like to have a variety of food types on my plate.  While I'm eating rice, there should be meat to look forward to.  With the meat I'd like some veges on the side.  Some colored greens.  There should be some tasty looking protein-labeled ration to give the food a side flavor to remember after meal time has passed.  Soup that's thick and ready to be savored would be much appreciated if there's an opportunity for it.  Salad gives a meal it's nutritiously-healthy air.  Whether it'd be vegetable or fruit salad.  Add it to my cuisine please.  Dessert is not mandatory, but always appreciated.  Just a little would do.  Now for the drink.  My, oh my.  For the love of money, drinks can't be left out, don't you dare leave it out.  From thick orange or apple juice to a banana smoothie to those sparkling glasses of cocktail making me swoon.  I'd fancy myself to some wine if you don't mind.  Now I'm getting carried away with food variety of my fantasies.

It's not only food that I like to look forward too.  I like to look forward to exam results when I'm anticipating great ones of course.  I look forward to moving.  To new places.  New feelings.  New plans.  New and fresh promises.  New love.  Oh.  Here we go.  New Love.  Sounds fascinating and pleasant already just by the mention of it.

I guess I don't give up then.  I don't back down just cos something or someone pushes me into a dark corner and suppresses me for a period of time.  I always get up again.  I always set something up again.  Something to look forward to again.

To be frank, things have been tough.  Reality has molded, shaped, bent and broken me.  It has played me over and over.  I have had to let go of a lot of things and people.  I have also had to just accept things (and people) for the way they are.  But I always come out of them.  I've always learned to learn from them.  I've always picked myself up and had kept moving.

Looking forward to something has always been a good feeling to be transfixed in.  In that particular moment, you know, you are happy, you smile and you savor joyously a perfect moment that even though would pass anyway, at that moment, it was truly yours.

Looking forward to something good.  Or just merely looking forward.  That in itself is already good enough.

Love, Ny.

Paying the Price

Paying the price.  Well, for anything that deserves a price really.  Anything that counts.  Anything that needs sacrificing.  Anything that needs your time, money, relationships, family, friends, norms and even beliefs.  Not to mention your many, many days,  weeks, months and for the most part, your years.

Paying the price, especially when you're spending years, changes you a lot.  And I mean, literally, A LOT.  Much much more than you can ever comprehend.  People you're close to notice numerous changes about you.  Some so intense they cannot take it.  Some, thankfully, inspiring to many that they want what you have.

These changes come with your choices, and they can and do affect the way people think of you.  Not that one should be thinking about what other people think of them.  But, sure, we all do that.  At some point, we do.  And at times we have to.  Especially when we want to appeal to the wider audience.

Paying the price.  I have actually thought about it.  From time to time.  Oh believe me I do.  Not that I am doing anything about it.  Well I am, of course, cos that would be the only reason I am where I am.  Right?  But I have been so one-sided these past years.  Not thinking about other people.  Not taking into account the consequences that life brings when you actually do pay for the price of something.

For instance, I lost my beloved grandma without saying good bye.  My Mami Olo.

She knew better.  And maybe she knew better than to tell me how me and her were going to say good bye.  How it will come about.  That sadness had had a grip on me ever since, and even to this very day, I don't know if I will ever really come to terms with the whole turning of events that led to her passing.  I actually told her: '2 years mami olo, 2 years.'  She said okay.  She believed me.  She waited.  And when I didn't show up at the end of 2 years, she passed, just 2 months after the appointed time.  October 2014.  I still have that huge heavy ball of lump whenever I think of it.

It's the price I'm paying, still paying now, and countless others with it.

For what it's worth, I dedicated my Masters Thesis to Mami Olo.  She will never read it.  She will never know.

To add to that, I'm paying the price for a whole lot of other things, of course.  Like I wholly believe that if I was back home, I'd already be married.  It'd be much easier to find someone back home than overseas in an isolated institute with only lab mates, classmates and international friends.  Only.  Geez,  I could create a whole new post on this topic.  Just not yet.  My life is mostly an open book already with this blog thing.  My choice.  I'm cool with the way it is.  Not that people would wanna read it.

I generally like the way things are turning out though.  It's just that sometimes, at times, I'm reminded of how I'm paying for the price.  And then I get saddened by a lot of things.

I'm gonna have to close by saying God surely works in mysterious ways.  I'm always trusting him for everything.  Even if I'm regularly seeing things and circumstances as being 'me paying the price'.  Yeah I guess that's just me.  No I don't see me as 'missing out' on life back home.  No I don't.  My life here is just too good for those kinds of thoughts.

I will continue to press on.  Continue to pay the price.  Till my time here is done and I can go back to be in the beautiful Happy Isles again.

I guess I'm generally not only looking forward to good stuff.  I am living the good stuff.  Paying the price, and paying it well.

I have decided, haven't I?  That if it's gonna be big, then I'm gonna have to pay big for it.  And if it's gonna be huge, then...

I think you get the picture.

Love, Ny.

The Mood Rant

The mood.

'The' mood.

I'm talking about THE mood.

On overall, I'm generally an easy going, slowly living, slow leaving, slow learning, easy seeing, and easy loving, too, I suppose.

Ok now, the previous list is when I'm not doing work.  So now, on to work, whether it be in school or at work.

I'm, not so surprisingly, but as opposed to be being easy as I have always thought I am, I'm radical and quick, fast, brisk and swift when I am doing work.  Even at home, cleaning up, or doing laundry, cooking or washing up.  It always has to be fast, because the finished job could just be minutes away.  So why not get to it fast.  That's the whole idea.

Now back to THE mood.

I realized, that I make myself sad.  Most times.  Or maybe I attract sad moods.  So generally, I am just a sad, more to the gloomy, moody, head down, this-life-is-dark-and-cloudy type of mood.  It comes out in the songs I write, the tunes, the poems and the writings.

No wonder I'm too lively when with friends.  No wonder I'm always jumping at the thought of being together where there is noise.  No wonder I love to tease.  No wonder when I'm happy I'm so happy.  No wonder when I get to start talking, I do it nonstop.  Sometimes I go over the top with talking, laughing, having fun.  Cos I know the sad and gloomy would creep in again.  And the cycle would start again.

Easy going?  Some friends of mine actually told me I am easy going.  Huh!  I laugh at the idea.  Cos inside of me is a lion waiting for its prey.  Okay, a tiger maybe, cos I admire tiger spots.  I liken myself to the skin of a tiger.  Not the face.  No thank you.  I'd rather be a parrot.  Or a pigeon even.  Geese.  Geese that fly.  Dat be me.

The mood in me.

I'm always conscious of how consciously I express the mood I'm in.  If I'm quiet I'll be conscious that people will notice.  If I'm noisy I'm definite people will comment on it.  And I'm usually right too.  I'm far from being the life of the party when I'm noisy though.  Cos I'd just be annoying.  Or I'd run out of things to say.

So let's just say my mood rant is mostly about the sad and happy me.

What about the angry me?  Hhmmmm... Ok now about that part?  I think it's safe that we don't go there for now.  Let it be in another post so I could decorate it nicely with unthreatening and don't-worry-you-will-still-love-me-after-this-post words of assurance.

Ranting for today stops here.  I hope it's shorter than a normal rant.  I'm pretty sure it is.

Love, Ny.