Needy Talking Me

I just wanna talk.

Lately it's just been like that.

I had wanted to live in the moment.  I had wanted to feel everything around and inside of me.  I had wanted to be able to look back and say I fully lived out every one of my waking minutes.  Now the moments are just too many for me. 

I can't lose touch of my thoughts.  Even for just a minute.  I am conscious of every single one of them.  They are here with me, here to stay and not letting me go anytime soon.

And how do I know this is what's happening to me?

Because I want to talk to someone every chance I'm not doing school work.  I want to tell anyone and everyone about my day. What I did.  What I am doing.  What I will do.  What I'm liking about everything that I'm talking about.  What I don't like.  What I think about my work.  Who I'm with.  Who I will be with.  What we'll be doing.  What my plans are for the next day, week, month or year.

Then I'd wanna talk about what I talked about.  All the Whys, Wheres, How, What and Who.  Just going crazy with even the tiniest details about everything.  Just needing to let everything out of my system.  The good, the bad, the highs, the lows, the ones in between, the blacks, the whites, the coloured.  Even the camouflaged ones.  Stuff that are not seen.  Invisible stuff that I should just ignore.  Everything just needs to go out of this mind, body and soul of mine.  And fast too.  They need to go out as soon as they appear in my conscious.

And then when I realise I'm talking too much, then I wanna tell someone that I am not desperate. That I am not needy.  I wanna justify my words, my actions, my behavior.

What I didn't realise until now was that people can't be there 24/7.  You can't find someone there every single time you need them or anyone for that matter.

That's not the case with me though.  Once someone is there to talk, I have this tendency to just keep them with me till they can't stand me anymore.

I have this online-apps-crazy problem of always needing to check on someone.  To just start a convo with anyone.  I have to save myself of this by deleting certain apps from my phone.

I am still working on this crazy-weird behaviour in me.

So let me publish this post and move on to my next one.  That's the plan.  Every time I wanna click on a contact on Line to start another convo, I'll come here, create a new post and write.

I am determined.  I will conquer this.  I always do.  With time.  Of course.

Love, Ny.