Paying the Price

Paying the price.  Well, for anything that deserves a price really.  Anything that counts.  Anything that needs sacrificing.  Anything that needs your time, money, relationships, family, friends, norms and even beliefs.  Not to mention your many, many days,  weeks, months and for the most part, your years.

Paying the price, especially when you're spending years, changes you a lot.  And I mean, literally, A LOT.  Much much more than you can ever comprehend.  People you're close to notice numerous changes about you.  Some so intense they cannot take it.  Some, thankfully, inspiring to many that they want what you have.

These changes come with your choices, and they can and do affect the way people think of you.  Not that one should be thinking about what other people think of them.  But, sure, we all do that.  At some point, we do.  And at times we have to.  Especially when we want to appeal to the wider audience.

Paying the price.  I have actually thought about it.  From time to time.  Oh believe me I do.  Not that I am doing anything about it.  Well I am, of course, cos that would be the only reason I am where I am.  Right?  But I have been so one-sided these past years.  Not thinking about other people.  Not taking into account the consequences that life brings when you actually do pay for the price of something.

For instance, I lost my beloved grandma without saying good bye.  My Mami Olo.

She knew better.  And maybe she knew better than to tell me how me and her were going to say good bye.  How it will come about.  That sadness had had a grip on me ever since, and even to this very day, I don't know if I will ever really come to terms with the whole turning of events that led to her passing.  I actually told her: '2 years mami olo, 2 years.'  She said okay.  She believed me.  She waited.  And when I didn't show up at the end of 2 years, she passed, just 2 months after the appointed time.  October 2014.  I still have that huge heavy ball of lump whenever I think of it.

It's the price I'm paying, still paying now, and countless others with it.

For what it's worth, I dedicated my Masters Thesis to Mami Olo.  She will never read it.  She will never know.

To add to that, I'm paying the price for a whole lot of other things, of course.  Like I wholly believe that if I was back home, I'd already be married.  It'd be much easier to find someone back home than overseas in an isolated institute with only lab mates, classmates and international friends.  Only.  Geez,  I could create a whole new post on this topic.  Just not yet.  My life is mostly an open book already with this blog thing.  My choice.  I'm cool with the way it is.  Not that people would wanna read it.

I generally like the way things are turning out though.  It's just that sometimes, at times, I'm reminded of how I'm paying for the price.  And then I get saddened by a lot of things.

I'm gonna have to close by saying God surely works in mysterious ways.  I'm always trusting him for everything.  Even if I'm regularly seeing things and circumstances as being 'me paying the price'.  Yeah I guess that's just me.  No I don't see me as 'missing out' on life back home.  No I don't.  My life here is just too good for those kinds of thoughts.

I will continue to press on.  Continue to pay the price.  Till my time here is done and I can go back to be in the beautiful Happy Isles again.

I guess I'm generally not only looking forward to good stuff.  I am living the good stuff.  Paying the price, and paying it well.

I have decided, haven't I?  That if it's gonna be big, then I'm gonna have to pay big for it.  And if it's gonna be huge, then...

I think you get the picture.

Love, Ny.