It sucks. Love, Ny.

Feeling so bad today.  So bad it hurts.  It pains.  It sucks.

It really does suck to have someone not tell you anything then just cut you off like that.

Sometimes I think that if someone treated you badly, they would also do it to the next person.  Because that's just how they are.  Then other times I just blame myself for not knowing what to do and how to respond in the right way to situations that come up.

Sometimes I think I'm better off.  Then other times I just wish I have that someone back in my life.  And not just in my mind every single day and night.

I'm taking my time.  Even if at times I just get tired and just wanna scream him out of my system.

Yes.  Him.

I feel bad that it's just sad.

I'm still gonna close today with love in my heart though.

Love, Ny.

Too up on yourself.

What?

You think that after I turned down your offer for 'some activity' that I'd be waking up every morning saying 'I wish I'd see him today' or 'I wish I'd run into him (again) today'.  Can't you even figure it out for yourself?

Yes it does bug me.  It bugs me how boys (not men) think girls would just go after them like that.  Of course you have features that I'd lay in bed dreaming of, picturing how we could be a couple, imagining how I'd love and care for you and make every moment count while we're here in this isolated-god-forsaken-most times very lonely place.  Of course I could be really weak, be swept off my feet and into your arms knowing very well you have your significant other waiting at home.  But OF COURSE I'm not that stupid.  I could be crazy, but for other things.  Not this one. Nah.  Hail No!

Yes you are just too up on your self.  And yes I could go on and on venting and letting it out here so I can get your arrogance that's now rubbing off on me out of my system.  But I only have time for my paper.  So we'll bring this to a close.  Maybe to a closure.

You see, I see you almost everyday.  Yes our paths seem to be crisscrossing every other day.  But this is my space too.  And for the record, I was here first.  I occupy this damn space and you should make damn sure you mind your own damn business like I am making damn sure I damn am.

Stalking you?  It surely is the other way around if there is any stalking involved here.  Get over yourself Mr Handsome Afro.

I am obsessed.  Yes.  Stupid.  Crazy, and in love.  Just not for you thank you very much.

We still friends though.  So expect more of me around.  You can even invite me over for lunch or dinner outside at 7-11.  We can hang out while your gf hangs on your shoulder and you try to make undistracted conversations with me till your she pulls you away with that 'he's-mine-don't-touch' body language.  Or even better, I can invite the two of you over and I'll cook, the girls will bake some cakes and we'll have movie night with pop corn, snacks and ice cream and finish off with some vodka lime, wine and beer afterwards.

I'm over this.

Love, Ny.

A double hint from Mum.

Just got a text from Mum.  Her and Dad are missing Baby Lianga who went back to be with his parents.

Thanks Mum for the hint hint.  I get it now.  I'm in my child-bearing years.  I need to be bearing children already.  If not for me then for the grandparents.  And of course I'd love myself some kids already by now.  

This is tough.  Such a tough position to be in.  

Such a huge double hint from Mum.  I miss them now.  But when I'm gonna bear children?  That's a huge question to answer.  Only God knows.

Kids are so precious, lovable, cute, cuddly, provide companionship, pure, innocent and just the perfect gift of life.  Especially for grandparents like Mum and Dad.  Faithful, caring and very loving grandparents.

We'll wrap this up before we start to think, talk, think, write and think too much again.

Love, Ny.

Talk. Talk. Talk.

So sick of it.  Sick and tired of all of it.  All I hear is talk, talk, talk and more talk.

I listen too much into everything.  Absorb too much of whatever is said to me, whatever I listen to.  When it's good it's too good that it's bad.  When it's great it's too great that I go out of control for not handling it the correct way.  Why does it seem that  there's always already a rule to every new  path.  Rules I never seem to follow.  Why don't things just happen because they do.  Why isn't the universe never flexible.  Just enough flexibility would be fine.  Why do the stars run away from me when it comes their time to take up responsibility and guide me through certain spots.

Talk.

I react to it with restlessness, fear and most times even dread.  I also react to it with high expectations.  Too high.  That's when talk becomes too much.  Because when it's too much I spend days on end thinking about everything that amounts to nothing.

Talk.

Where does it come from?  From everyone around me to the very mind that controls my being every single moment of my breathing.  Myself.

I'm sick.  Truly sick of listening and listening to every single thing.  Sick of allowing myself to be bombarded with every sound of it.

Talk.

I bet everyone around me is tired of me too.  All I do lately is talk, talk and talk.  Even in my silence.  Which a lot of people have described as being louder than making sound itself.

Talk.

It seems that the feeling everywhere is mutual.

Let's stop here.

Love, Ny.

To not read what I myself write

I'm so lazy, like literally, lazy, and have that 'I don't have time for this-don't wanna be bothered-please take me away' kinda feeling when it comes to proof-reading my own work.

I wish I didn't have to do any of it.  I don't like to.  I DON'T WANT TO!  I wish I didn't need to.  I wish I don't need to at all in the future.  In any of my future.

I need a secretary.  I know it's too soon for that.  I'm a poor PhD student.  My scholarship provides for my dorm, tuition and credit fees.  Only.  I don't have any part-time jobs whatsoever.  No allowance.

But I really need a proof-reader to read my every work.  I meant a Paid Proofreader.  One that I can boss around.  My daily work in writing needs to be re-read and corrected.  I wish I could just write through any writing once.  Whether it be a blog like this one, a manuscript for a journal, or even just course work essays or experiments write ups.

I need someone, some people, some willing anyone, to proofread everything for me.  PROOF READ FOR ME.  See that?

Good.

Come to think of it, it's funny.  Just so funny that I always have to wait to be in the 'right mood' to write something, study, read, proof-read something.  Anything.

Maybe I should wait for the 'right mood' to be in before I start my PhD.

Funny.

So much for all these PhD preparations and plans.

I have nothing more to say right now.

Bye.

Ny.

First PhD Hurdle

Yes I call it the first.  My very first PhD hurdle.  Because it was from my labmates.  The closest people I have in my small 'PhD network'.

I don't have strong immediate supporters that are like my labmates.  No other support compares to theirs.  Whether they are aware of it or not, they walk with me through every step of my journey.

Was it my fault?  Should I have let them know earlier that they will still be seeing me around?  Ordering chemicals for me?  Fixing my machines for me?  Having to read Chinese characters when I get lost trying to?  Get scolded at by our Advisor because of me?  Negotiation on my behalf?  Staying up late in the lab to give me a hand?  Answer my questions on Line any time of the day or night?

They are the real deal behind my work.  They do not receive enough credit for it.  They are not being appreciated enough.  They do not realize that I need them more than any other group in the campus.

Today was different though.  They reacted with surprised looks on their faces.  I got the shock of the day.  Hope this doesn't last the whole week.  Really not in the mood to make another blog post about it.

Well it seems this could be the beginning of a thread-like topic here.

They laughed in mockery at the news that our Advisor has already had my 'next topic' in mind.  They gasped at the idea that I would be staying for PhD.  They had expected me to finish my paper, have it published and be off and out of the lab.

I had to defend myself by answering their questions with rhetorical questions.  I had to.  I became defensive.

Yes they were on my side.  But I need to get them on my side again.  Don't wanna be walking this road alone you guys.

So I am taking my time.  Allowing time to let the news sink in.  Soon we'll be on the same page again.  All I need is time.  And orders from my Advisor for my darling lab mates to go about my case.  Of course.  Then I'll be good.

Good to go.  Good to overcome this and be ready for the next, more bigger, hurdles.

My dearest Labmates.  We are family.  We will always be.  Well, at least for the next three years.

Love, Ny.

My Horrible Sin

I'm slowly and strongly feeling bad about the bad I did.  It wasn't just against a friend.  It was against a special friend.  A soul sister.  More like a soul mate kind of sister.

Took me more than 2 months to finally get to grasp the concept of being true to sisterly bonds.  I was always slow in learning about friendships, loyalty, genuineness and faithfulness.  In growing up.

I am still learning.  Humility needs to be the cloud over my head every single day.  I need to always be wearing it as my cap.

I'm slowly realising that it's wrong to turn your back against a special friend, push them aside and bring in someone new.  Especially when that someone new has been in your friend's history.  I'm starting to get the principles that lie within friendship boundaries.  Seeing the hurt in me, yet not putting my friend's hurt first.

My horrible sin.

I kept pushing through even though I knew it was wrong.  I kept trying to win even though all the universe was against me.  I pushed hard.  Harder than I have ever pushed.  Energy wasted.  Wasted in barrels.  Wasted time and money.  But I had learned.  So much.

Love is not earned.  It happens.  It can't be forced.  If it chooses to go, let it go.  It will come when it is the right time.  Patience.  Happiness.  Being content.  Being okay.  Being good.  Being kind.  Being happy whatever comes.  Always be optimistic about every situation.  Leave when it's time.  Let good things come on their own.  Love no matter what.  Learn.  Live.  Give.  Love.

I'm learning to take the good out of my horrible situation.  My horrible sin.

Love, Ny.