I'm slowly and strongly feeling bad about the bad I did. It wasn't just against a friend. It was against a special friend. A soul sister. More like a soul mate kind of sister.
Took me more than 2 months to finally get to grasp the concept of being true to sisterly bonds. I was always slow in learning about friendships, loyalty, genuineness and faithfulness. In growing up.
I am still learning. Humility needs to be the cloud over my head every single day. I need to always be wearing it as my cap.
I'm slowly realising that it's wrong to turn your back against a special friend, push them aside and bring in someone new. Especially when that someone new has been in your friend's history. I'm starting to get the principles that lie within friendship boundaries. Seeing the hurt in me, yet not putting my friend's hurt first.
My horrible sin.
I kept pushing through even though I knew it was wrong. I kept trying to win even though all the universe was against me. I pushed hard. Harder than I have ever pushed. Energy wasted. Wasted in barrels. Wasted time and money. But I had learned. So much.
Love is not earned. It happens. It can't be forced. If it chooses to go, let it go. It will come when it is the right time. Patience. Happiness. Being content. Being okay. Being good. Being kind. Being happy whatever comes. Always be optimistic about every situation. Leave when it's time. Let good things come on their own. Love no matter what. Learn. Live. Give. Love.
I'm learning to take the good out of my horrible situation. My horrible sin.
Love, Ny.
Dis is where you find me. Me loves. Me likes. Me dislikes. Me plans. Me visions. Me thinks.... What Ny thinks, Ny visions.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Accepting Rejection.
A quote from 'Funny Texts' page on FB that melted my heart this morning:
'So weird/sad walking past someone in the hallway acting as if you two are strangers when in reality you used to know them better than anyone.'
Just feeling like this is gonna be me in a few weeks when new semester starts.
It's gonna be weird and sad.
In the cafetaria. 7-11. On the roads. In the departments. Around the campus. Inside and outside the school. Everywhere.
Holding my breath now. Dreading the coming months. Gonna face reality. Face my fears.
Accepting rejection. My toughest hurdle ever. Gonna do it.
Rejection. Deal with it.
Love, Ny.
'So weird/sad walking past someone in the hallway acting as if you two are strangers when in reality you used to know them better than anyone.'
Just feeling like this is gonna be me in a few weeks when new semester starts.
It's gonna be weird and sad.
In the cafetaria. 7-11. On the roads. In the departments. Around the campus. Inside and outside the school. Everywhere.
Holding my breath now. Dreading the coming months. Gonna face reality. Face my fears.
Accepting rejection. My toughest hurdle ever. Gonna do it.
Rejection. Deal with it.
Love, Ny.
PhD. My Story for Success.
I smell success on the horizon. It's coming towards me. I feel a tone of seriousness taking over me. A feeling of determination.
A prepared soldier going into war. An armed warrior fully equipped.
I feel strength gathering inside me. Bones, muscles and nerves getting the whole system ready for battle. I'm taking over everything in my way. Going to swiftly conquer all obstacles in my path. Victories are mine to gain. Failures be my stepping stones as I publish and keep publishing my finished work till I'm done.
I'm stepping up my game and loving this journey already.
If God before me, who can be against me?
Bring on the next 3 years. PhD. My story for success.
For in God I trust.
Love, Ny.
Friday, August 14, 2015
My Title. My Profession. Not my Name.
I've been saying this the past months while gearing up to start Phd. When friends start to call me Dr Nelma. That I don't want to be named after my qualification.
I have the names given to me at birth. And I have my self included few additional ones too. There are already six of them. That's already one too many names. Only four of them are official. Meaning they are written on my passport and other IDs. Still too long. Not to mention my Chinese name that's written and stamped on most important documents.
The title of 'Dr' can stay in my certificates where it belongs. In official documents where I need it. And be used to address me during official gatherings and functions.
Other than that, please call me by my first and middle names when the time comes. Use my Chinese name if you wish. I love my Chinese name. Address me by my numerous nicknames. Given to me by my very many friends back home and overseas. Ny, Nelo, Nelco, Tigs, Nigel, and others. Every one of my name is special in its own way. I didn't work hard in school to get them. They are mine. They represent me. They are me.
It's true that I work hard in school and work. I thrive there. And for this very reason, whatever titles I earn while in school or work will stay there. Where they belong.
Yes. Of course. I'd always love me some acknowledgements. Sure. Just do it at the right time. In the right place.
My title(s). My Profession. Not my Name.
Love, Ny.
I have the names given to me at birth. And I have my self included few additional ones too. There are already six of them. That's already one too many names. Only four of them are official. Meaning they are written on my passport and other IDs. Still too long. Not to mention my Chinese name that's written and stamped on most important documents.
The title of 'Dr' can stay in my certificates where it belongs. In official documents where I need it. And be used to address me during official gatherings and functions.
Other than that, please call me by my first and middle names when the time comes. Use my Chinese name if you wish. I love my Chinese name. Address me by my numerous nicknames. Given to me by my very many friends back home and overseas. Ny, Nelo, Nelco, Tigs, Nigel, and others. Every one of my name is special in its own way. I didn't work hard in school to get them. They are mine. They represent me. They are me.
It's true that I work hard in school and work. I thrive there. And for this very reason, whatever titles I earn while in school or work will stay there. Where they belong.
Yes. Of course. I'd always love me some acknowledgements. Sure. Just do it at the right time. In the right place.
My title(s). My Profession. Not my Name.
Love, Ny.
Untimely longings
Yebo. I get that a lot. In season and out of season.
At times they are deep. Other times shallow.
At times they are being met. More often than not they are just passing by and caused or forced to move on.
Fleeting emotions. At the pace of the minute hands of my living room clock.
My yearning feeling doth wait. At times. Yes. Only at times.
I right a lot of things. I also wrong a lot of them. Ok probably much more than the things I right.
I right a lot of people. And wrong a whole lot more.
I put the blame on those untimely longings. They feel good. But undesirable and unwelcomed when weirdness results. I get restless. Uptight and not loosened up.
Untimely longings. They lead to doing without first thinking. Humiliation follows. Shame. Awkwardness.
Untimely longings.
I shake my head in disgust. I run out of things to say. I pull back, go red and shut myself down. Then I bow and escape.
I'm gone.
Love, Ny.
At times they are deep. Other times shallow.
At times they are being met. More often than not they are just passing by and caused or forced to move on.
Fleeting emotions. At the pace of the minute hands of my living room clock.
My yearning feeling doth wait. At times. Yes. Only at times.
I right a lot of things. I also wrong a lot of them. Ok probably much more than the things I right.
I right a lot of people. And wrong a whole lot more.
I put the blame on those untimely longings. They feel good. But undesirable and unwelcomed when weirdness results. I get restless. Uptight and not loosened up.
Untimely longings. They lead to doing without first thinking. Humiliation follows. Shame. Awkwardness.
Untimely longings.
I shake my head in disgust. I run out of things to say. I pull back, go red and shut myself down. Then I bow and escape.
I'm gone.
Love, Ny.
Lamingtons. The good stuff
The good stuff in life. They come once in a while. Just like lamingtons.
Coming from a lower middle class family, lamingtons used to be a bit expensive in primary school. I go hungry just so I could have a piece during recess. Then I'd have nothing for lunch. And this actually happens like more than once a week.
I learned my lesson and upon leaving primary school, I'd have lamingtons only on occasion.
Lamingtons are always good treats. They represent the good stuff. The stuff that we don't get all the time. The special things. The good times. The treats in life.
Truth is, lamingtons will get eaten up eventually. They go mold if left uneaten. They are too sweet and would attract unwanted insects. They don't linger long. New ones have to be made every time.
Sad to say, lamingtons are temporary.
Good times are like lamingtons. They don't stick around. They leave, sometimes too soon. Sometimes so unexpected. Good people don't always stick around too. They leave. They depart.
Alas! Good times, just like lamingtons, are momentary.
Savor the good times. Appreciate the beauty of your present situation. Every situation whether good or bad has its own beauty. There's always a good in everyone you meet. One just has to have the eye for it.
Be grateful for the people around you. People matter. Put family first. Prioritise.
Life goes on. Tomorrow will always come. A new day. A different time. A change.
I still look forward to eating lamingtons whenever the chance arises. I look foward to good times. Times of enjoyment. I live for these times. I spend my money on little temporary pleasures and lamingtons are still my faves.
I am learning though.
I'm learning to have my own lamingtons. They come in all situations, shapes and sizes. I'm learning to learn from every situation I'm in. Good or bad. I'm learning from every encounter I have with every person I meet. To accept that there's a reason for every meeting. Whether long or short.
I'm learning to love my type of lamingtons. The good stuff in life.
My good stuff. They come every once in a while. Seldom. Other types quite often. Still other types more often than expected. More regular than I would have welcomed. More bad than good. More lows than highs. More gloom than light. But they are my good stuff in life. They are my type of lamingtons.
I'm learning to speak beauty into my situation. My highs and my lows. My good stuff. My lamingtons. I love.
Love, Ny.
Coming from a lower middle class family, lamingtons used to be a bit expensive in primary school. I go hungry just so I could have a piece during recess. Then I'd have nothing for lunch. And this actually happens like more than once a week.
I learned my lesson and upon leaving primary school, I'd have lamingtons only on occasion.
Lamingtons are always good treats. They represent the good stuff. The stuff that we don't get all the time. The special things. The good times. The treats in life.
Truth is, lamingtons will get eaten up eventually. They go mold if left uneaten. They are too sweet and would attract unwanted insects. They don't linger long. New ones have to be made every time.
Sad to say, lamingtons are temporary.
Good times are like lamingtons. They don't stick around. They leave, sometimes too soon. Sometimes so unexpected. Good people don't always stick around too. They leave. They depart.
Alas! Good times, just like lamingtons, are momentary.
Savor the good times. Appreciate the beauty of your present situation. Every situation whether good or bad has its own beauty. There's always a good in everyone you meet. One just has to have the eye for it.
Be grateful for the people around you. People matter. Put family first. Prioritise.
Life goes on. Tomorrow will always come. A new day. A different time. A change.
I still look forward to eating lamingtons whenever the chance arises. I look foward to good times. Times of enjoyment. I live for these times. I spend my money on little temporary pleasures and lamingtons are still my faves.
I am learning though.
I'm learning to have my own lamingtons. They come in all situations, shapes and sizes. I'm learning to learn from every situation I'm in. Good or bad. I'm learning from every encounter I have with every person I meet. To accept that there's a reason for every meeting. Whether long or short.
I'm learning to love my type of lamingtons. The good stuff in life.
My good stuff. They come every once in a while. Seldom. Other types quite often. Still other types more often than expected. More regular than I would have welcomed. More bad than good. More lows than highs. More gloom than light. But they are my good stuff in life. They are my type of lamingtons.
I'm learning to speak beauty into my situation. My highs and my lows. My good stuff. My lamingtons. I love.
Love, Ny.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
The in-betweens
Those moments in between moments of non-consciousness. Those are the moments that bring back the most regrettable and most recent of dramas. Dramas that have been caused by none other but the profoundly stupid persuasive me.
My regrets are always of things that I say and do that I think puts the other party off.
Why do I do stuff like that? Why can't I take my time with non-pressing matters? Why do I make a fool of myself? Why am I always stupid with such things? Why do I allow small things like that to stress me out? Why am I annoying? Why why why??????
I get on with my daily school work then hang out with friends. But in between those major events, the moments in between seem to still control my days and nights.
Stolen moments change my attitude, make or break my days and take me back to embarrassingly crazy times.
I hate myself for those times. Thinking about those times make me literally just wanna die right here.
The moments in betweens. Please. Kill me.
......., Ny.
My regrets are always of things that I say and do that I think puts the other party off.
Why do I do stuff like that? Why can't I take my time with non-pressing matters? Why do I make a fool of myself? Why am I always stupid with such things? Why do I allow small things like that to stress me out? Why am I annoying? Why why why??????
I get on with my daily school work then hang out with friends. But in between those major events, the moments in between seem to still control my days and nights.
Stolen moments change my attitude, make or break my days and take me back to embarrassingly crazy times.
I hate myself for those times. Thinking about those times make me literally just wanna die right here.
The moments in betweens. Please. Kill me.
......., Ny.
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