Praying for someone who wants to be a part of my life.

Now what a title that was.  I am close to even gasping at it my self.  But that's exactly what I'm doing now.  Praying my heart out, being content and being at peace that there is someone out there praying to be a part of my life.  Someone who would die to spend their days and nights with me.

Today I thank God for that someone.

It's been a year since I left this blog.  PhD has totally taken over.  I've been doing experiments, writing manuscripts, reviewing peer-reviewed papers, going to classes and doing the usual, eating, drinking, sleeping, waking up and let's not forget, stressing!! :)

Well phewww! What a year that was.  It was certainly a loooong year that went by like a flash.  I've been so busy learning, so busy planning, so busy thinking, and so busy trying to organize my personal life, plus praying, falling, praying and falling again from time to time and all at the same time.

Tis been a year of change for me on so many levels too.  God knows how I waded through those deep waters.  The ups and the downs, the dramas and the chaos.  Those are the only things I could think of.
The happy times?  Well, sad to say, are not so much on my memory.  Truthfully, when I try to think of my happy times, the only thing I could think of is, that things could be worse.  So trash it.  Screw it.  I'd rather say God is good, God is great, God is faithful, than give myself brain damage trying to think of good times.

Now let's get back to the title.

So I've thought about it, and have decided to be single, and have officially been for the past months.

You know I've learned, I've thrived, I've prayed, I've cried and many times over I've gone crazy about this whole relationship/single/love life issue thing.  But recently, for the first time in years, I've actually been able to stand up strong, to not settle for whatever/whoever comes along, and to be at peace with myself.  To be at peace being single.  To be content that even if someone does not want me in their life, I can still go on living a contented life.  To do it because of me.  Because I choose to and not because of other people, specifically not because of a guy.

I will continue to pray, to thank God, to smile and be happy, be content and be at peace.   I stand my ground for peace of mind, for contentment, for happiness, for joy, for hope, for faith and for love.

For our lives are in His hands.  Our plans are in His hands.

Today I thank God for that someone.  I want to be a part of your life too.

Love, Ny.

I don't want to do 5 years of PhD!!!!!

Are these people crazy?  They think I'm going to sit around and take my time with this PhD thingy and take up 5 bloody lonely years to graduate?

Freaken hail to the NO I ain't be sticking around here.

You wanna know what I'll be doing in my fifth year from now?  I'll be counting stars baby.

Yeah you heard me.  I'll be counting lots of stars.  Guess that'd be lots of me's.  I'll be counting me!!!

Love you all my angelic labmates, but wait till I prove your chit chatting wrong (and they do it right in front of me too - I can hear and understand every word youz are saying about me you IDs).

So long my doves.

Love, Ny.

To be or not to be excited.

I don't even know what that title means.  The only thing I'm sure of is I am too excited right now to even do work.  It's coming up my neck and I'm seriously gonna drown in my own excitement.

Yes!  Just got word from my advisor that I am presenting a poster this year in December at the annual Food Science Conference in Taipei.  Sooooooooo... yesss!  Yes I am excited.  Nervously excited but more excited than nervous and the funny thing is that I don't really know the real reason why.

Ok so I get it.  I am putting my work out there.  I have just handed in the draft for my paper to submit to a scientific journal online.  And now doing a real poster.  Yes, a real one this time.  Not just for a seminar class.  But this excitement is a little too much.  It just seems a bit over the top.  So I'm hoping one thing is going to lead to another and that this is gonna be worth it.

Save my PhD project for a few days later this week.  Because this present few days are going to be dedicated to my nicely decorated symmetrically arranged poster with personally customized and creatively (I like to think so) selected colors.  And I'm hoping to pat myself on the back after it is done.

Now breathing heavily as if I'm about to be presented with an award or something awesome like that.  I am getting ahead of myself now and so full of it.  Though it's just a feeling.  That I know.  I just hope I calm down sooner than later so I can get down to real work and make it come out brilliantly great.

I love my work.  Yes.  And I am so excited for great things ahead.

Love, Ny.

I love my work. Period.

I don't know how to write anymore.  It's been a while.  But today my work has reached deep into me to bring at least some words out.

I love my work.  I really do.  I'm passionate when it comes to reading, analyzing, deducing, adding to and writing about my research work.  Oh God!  The sighs that come out whenever I print a page or two of my drafts.  The simple paper in black and white in front of me, lifts my spirits, makes me nervous every time and takes me back to my primary school years when I used to wake up at 4 am in the mornings, go to the little store room by the kitchen that I use as my study room and do my homework and readings.  Once my maternal grandfather found me in there doing my work early in the morning.  He said something that has stayed with me till this very day and will continue to push me on.  It was in his mother tongue, but it went something like 'This little girl is very young, but has a big desire to study'.  That line may have taken me this far and will continue to do so until my very last breath.

My passion for the things I do.  I don't know how deep they are, or how long they will last, or how much strength I have to keep them there and bring forth fruits that will help to impact my generation.  All I know is that I love my work so much.  Take me away from it and I will detest the very nature in you.

And that will be all for today.  If any has even been wondering about this at all.  :P (that's an emoji with tongue showing).

Sooooooo..... handing in the first draft for my paper to my advisor this morning.

Oh God!

Love, Ny.

Going crazy crazy crazy just writing about my research' - remix on KC and Jojo's 'Crazy'

Dis crazy world of writing be making me cringe and coil (Again!).

You know how you write (ok maybe it's just me when I write), and you had printed a good copy of your draft, even gave it to your advisor to check.  Then after a day or two you pick up the draft (when you're refreshed) to check the paper again and you find mistakes.  One mistake.  Ok now that's fine, I can just correct that easily and reprint again.  Oh wait!  Two mistakes.  What!  No!  Third.  Fourth.  And now the results section is full of it.  And the discussion looks like a blind person putting together points from all over the place.

Wwwwwhhhaaaat was I thinking?  There's just so many you can swirl them up together in the ingredients bowl and bake a whole delicious cake and name it 'I'm a freak' cake.

Yeah that's exactly how I'm feeling now.  I'm doomed.

"I'm going craze, craze, craze, craze, thinking about you latelyyyyy!!
I'm going crazy, crazy, cos I can't get this thing under control.
Crazy, crazy, cos my mind has been clouded so much lately
Crazy, crazy, till I can present a perfect draft againnnnnn"
Echo: I can print it, I can print it, I can print a ferfect draft... oooh oooh yeah yeahhhh..  (music fades)

Worse if you find mistakes in your official Master Thesis copies.

MASTER THESIS COPIES.  THE OFFICIAL ONES!!!!!

I AM SO FAR AWAY RIGHT NOW AND DOOOOOOOMEDDDDDDDD!!!!!!

I'm gonna speak in tongues soon.  DON'T GET CLOSE!!!!

DANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok whatever.

Blehhhhh!!!!!

Love, Ny.

Sophisticated yet simple.

Huh!

So I abruptly told a future landscaper today that I wanted the landscape of my library building (Ny Vision Library) to have a 'sophisticated yet simple' look.

Ny Vision Library is still in the works (in my head that is).  So in my head, the overall organizational structure is already planned out and envisioned.  It will have one main center with branches wherever there is a high density of my relatives and their families.  I plan to boost the idea of education into the young minds and hearts of kids around the areas I live whether in the towns or the villages.  The location we're talking about here is back home, in the Solomon Islands.

The designs are coming out bit by bit.  The resources, the users, the mission statement, the reasons why there is a need for this vision, the spaces and a whole lot more other things that will be a part of this project.  Plans for the budget, advertising and sponsors are still in the books.  I meant in the ppt files in the Ny Vision Library folder in my Google Drive.

Sophisticated yet simple.

It just came up.  I don't know how in the world I came up with the phrase.  I even had to look it up on the net.  I think it came up for a destined, still unknown, reason.  Because looking it up on the net, I found that it's a more personal style, all up to the designer and the owner.  That it can be for houses, clothes, fashion, food, anything you can think of really.

I see myself as a hopeful owner.  Owner of a lot of things that won't be disclosed here as yet.  Till the time is right.  But I guess I have now disclosed that I am the proud owner of a still-in-the-planning-stage sophisticated yet simple landscaped library building.

The young landscaper chuckled when he saw the phrase.  I might have just presented him with the first ever real challenge of his life.  I hope I just boosted a desire of enthusiasm in him for his work.  Because I haven't even pictured how sophisticated yet simple my first library building landscape would look like.

Oh God! (this is how I pray when I'm faced with a huge dilemma)

I rest my case.

Love, Ny.

Looking forward to something.

I've always loved looking forward to something.  I still do.  Always.  For anything good, pleasant, desirable.

I love the idea of having different things happening all at the same time so I don't need to have a break.  I can go from doing one thing and straight on to another.

After my day is done, I'd like to know that there is food that I'm willing to go back home for to prepare. Or that there is money available to buy food, cooked or uncooked.  Or that there is something waiting for me.  Or someone somewhere to meet up and hang out.  Or that there are friends who are up to something that I could be a part of.  After all the activities of the day are done, I'd like to have sleep come at me and knock me down at the instant that I want it to.

When it comes to having a meal in front of me, I like to have a variety of food types on my plate.  While I'm eating rice, there should be meat to look forward to.  With the meat I'd like some veges on the side.  Some colored greens.  There should be some tasty looking protein-labeled ration to give the food a side flavor to remember after meal time has passed.  Soup that's thick and ready to be savored would be much appreciated if there's an opportunity for it.  Salad gives a meal it's nutritiously-healthy air.  Whether it'd be vegetable or fruit salad.  Add it to my cuisine please.  Dessert is not mandatory, but always appreciated.  Just a little would do.  Now for the drink.  My, oh my.  For the love of money, drinks can't be left out, don't you dare leave it out.  From thick orange or apple juice to a banana smoothie to those sparkling glasses of cocktail making me swoon.  I'd fancy myself to some wine if you don't mind.  Now I'm getting carried away with food variety of my fantasies.

It's not only food that I like to look forward too.  I like to look forward to exam results when I'm anticipating great ones of course.  I look forward to moving.  To new places.  New feelings.  New plans.  New and fresh promises.  New love.  Oh.  Here we go.  New Love.  Sounds fascinating and pleasant already just by the mention of it.

I guess I don't give up then.  I don't back down just cos something or someone pushes me into a dark corner and suppresses me for a period of time.  I always get up again.  I always set something up again.  Something to look forward to again.

To be frank, things have been tough.  Reality has molded, shaped, bent and broken me.  It has played me over and over.  I have had to let go of a lot of things and people.  I have also had to just accept things (and people) for the way they are.  But I always come out of them.  I've always learned to learn from them.  I've always picked myself up and had kept moving.

Looking forward to something has always been a good feeling to be transfixed in.  In that particular moment, you know, you are happy, you smile and you savor joyously a perfect moment that even though would pass anyway, at that moment, it was truly yours.

Looking forward to something good.  Or just merely looking forward.  That in itself is already good enough.

Love, Ny.

Paying the Price

Paying the price.  Well, for anything that deserves a price really.  Anything that counts.  Anything that needs sacrificing.  Anything that needs your time, money, relationships, family, friends, norms and even beliefs.  Not to mention your many, many days,  weeks, months and for the most part, your years.

Paying the price, especially when you're spending years, changes you a lot.  And I mean, literally, A LOT.  Much much more than you can ever comprehend.  People you're close to notice numerous changes about you.  Some so intense they cannot take it.  Some, thankfully, inspiring to many that they want what you have.

These changes come with your choices, and they can and do affect the way people think of you.  Not that one should be thinking about what other people think of them.  But, sure, we all do that.  At some point, we do.  And at times we have to.  Especially when we want to appeal to the wider audience.

Paying the price.  I have actually thought about it.  From time to time.  Oh believe me I do.  Not that I am doing anything about it.  Well I am, of course, cos that would be the only reason I am where I am.  Right?  But I have been so one-sided these past years.  Not thinking about other people.  Not taking into account the consequences that life brings when you actually do pay for the price of something.

For instance, I lost my beloved grandma without saying good bye.  My Mami Olo.

She knew better.  And maybe she knew better than to tell me how me and her were going to say good bye.  How it will come about.  That sadness had had a grip on me ever since, and even to this very day, I don't know if I will ever really come to terms with the whole turning of events that led to her passing.  I actually told her: '2 years mami olo, 2 years.'  She said okay.  She believed me.  She waited.  And when I didn't show up at the end of 2 years, she passed, just 2 months after the appointed time.  October 2014.  I still have that huge heavy ball of lump whenever I think of it.

It's the price I'm paying, still paying now, and countless others with it.

For what it's worth, I dedicated my Masters Thesis to Mami Olo.  She will never read it.  She will never know.

To add to that, I'm paying the price for a whole lot of other things, of course.  Like I wholly believe that if I was back home, I'd already be married.  It'd be much easier to find someone back home than overseas in an isolated institute with only lab mates, classmates and international friends.  Only.  Geez,  I could create a whole new post on this topic.  Just not yet.  My life is mostly an open book already with this blog thing.  My choice.  I'm cool with the way it is.  Not that people would wanna read it.

I generally like the way things are turning out though.  It's just that sometimes, at times, I'm reminded of how I'm paying for the price.  And then I get saddened by a lot of things.

I'm gonna have to close by saying God surely works in mysterious ways.  I'm always trusting him for everything.  Even if I'm regularly seeing things and circumstances as being 'me paying the price'.  Yeah I guess that's just me.  No I don't see me as 'missing out' on life back home.  No I don't.  My life here is just too good for those kinds of thoughts.

I will continue to press on.  Continue to pay the price.  Till my time here is done and I can go back to be in the beautiful Happy Isles again.

I guess I'm generally not only looking forward to good stuff.  I am living the good stuff.  Paying the price, and paying it well.

I have decided, haven't I?  That if it's gonna be big, then I'm gonna have to pay big for it.  And if it's gonna be huge, then...

I think you get the picture.

Love, Ny.

The Mood Rant

The mood.

'The' mood.

I'm talking about THE mood.

On overall, I'm generally an easy going, slowly living, slow leaving, slow learning, easy seeing, and easy loving, too, I suppose.

Ok now, the previous list is when I'm not doing work.  So now, on to work, whether it be in school or at work.

I'm, not so surprisingly, but as opposed to be being easy as I have always thought I am, I'm radical and quick, fast, brisk and swift when I am doing work.  Even at home, cleaning up, or doing laundry, cooking or washing up.  It always has to be fast, because the finished job could just be minutes away.  So why not get to it fast.  That's the whole idea.

Now back to THE mood.

I realized, that I make myself sad.  Most times.  Or maybe I attract sad moods.  So generally, I am just a sad, more to the gloomy, moody, head down, this-life-is-dark-and-cloudy type of mood.  It comes out in the songs I write, the tunes, the poems and the writings.

No wonder I'm too lively when with friends.  No wonder I'm always jumping at the thought of being together where there is noise.  No wonder I love to tease.  No wonder when I'm happy I'm so happy.  No wonder when I get to start talking, I do it nonstop.  Sometimes I go over the top with talking, laughing, having fun.  Cos I know the sad and gloomy would creep in again.  And the cycle would start again.

Easy going?  Some friends of mine actually told me I am easy going.  Huh!  I laugh at the idea.  Cos inside of me is a lion waiting for its prey.  Okay, a tiger maybe, cos I admire tiger spots.  I liken myself to the skin of a tiger.  Not the face.  No thank you.  I'd rather be a parrot.  Or a pigeon even.  Geese.  Geese that fly.  Dat be me.

The mood in me.

I'm always conscious of how consciously I express the mood I'm in.  If I'm quiet I'll be conscious that people will notice.  If I'm noisy I'm definite people will comment on it.  And I'm usually right too.  I'm far from being the life of the party when I'm noisy though.  Cos I'd just be annoying.  Or I'd run out of things to say.

So let's just say my mood rant is mostly about the sad and happy me.

What about the angry me?  Hhmmmm... Ok now about that part?  I think it's safe that we don't go there for now.  Let it be in another post so I could decorate it nicely with unthreatening and don't-worry-you-will-still-love-me-after-this-post words of assurance.

Ranting for today stops here.  I hope it's shorter than a normal rant.  I'm pretty sure it is.

Love, Ny.

It sucks. Love, Ny.

Feeling so bad today.  So bad it hurts.  It pains.  It sucks.

It really does suck to have someone not tell you anything then just cut you off like that.

Sometimes I think that if someone treated you badly, they would also do it to the next person.  Because that's just how they are.  Then other times I just blame myself for not knowing what to do and how to respond in the right way to situations that come up.

Sometimes I think I'm better off.  Then other times I just wish I have that someone back in my life.  And not just in my mind every single day and night.

I'm taking my time.  Even if at times I just get tired and just wanna scream him out of my system.

Yes.  Him.

I feel bad that it's just sad.

I'm still gonna close today with love in my heart though.

Love, Ny.

Too up on yourself.

What?

You think that after I turned down your offer for 'some activity' that I'd be waking up every morning saying 'I wish I'd see him today' or 'I wish I'd run into him (again) today'.  Can't you even figure it out for yourself?

Yes it does bug me.  It bugs me how boys (not men) think girls would just go after them like that.  Of course you have features that I'd lay in bed dreaming of, picturing how we could be a couple, imagining how I'd love and care for you and make every moment count while we're here in this isolated-god-forsaken-most times very lonely place.  Of course I could be really weak, be swept off my feet and into your arms knowing very well you have your significant other waiting at home.  But OF COURSE I'm not that stupid.  I could be crazy, but for other things.  Not this one. Nah.  Hail No!

Yes you are just too up on your self.  And yes I could go on and on venting and letting it out here so I can get your arrogance that's now rubbing off on me out of my system.  But I only have time for my paper.  So we'll bring this to a close.  Maybe to a closure.

You see, I see you almost everyday.  Yes our paths seem to be crisscrossing every other day.  But this is my space too.  And for the record, I was here first.  I occupy this damn space and you should make damn sure you mind your own damn business like I am making damn sure I damn am.

Stalking you?  It surely is the other way around if there is any stalking involved here.  Get over yourself Mr Handsome Afro.

I am obsessed.  Yes.  Stupid.  Crazy, and in love.  Just not for you thank you very much.

We still friends though.  So expect more of me around.  You can even invite me over for lunch or dinner outside at 7-11.  We can hang out while your gf hangs on your shoulder and you try to make undistracted conversations with me till your she pulls you away with that 'he's-mine-don't-touch' body language.  Or even better, I can invite the two of you over and I'll cook, the girls will bake some cakes and we'll have movie night with pop corn, snacks and ice cream and finish off with some vodka lime, wine and beer afterwards.

I'm over this.

Love, Ny.

A double hint from Mum.

Just got a text from Mum.  Her and Dad are missing Baby Lianga who went back to be with his parents.

Thanks Mum for the hint hint.  I get it now.  I'm in my child-bearing years.  I need to be bearing children already.  If not for me then for the grandparents.  And of course I'd love myself some kids already by now.  

This is tough.  Such a tough position to be in.  

Such a huge double hint from Mum.  I miss them now.  But when I'm gonna bear children?  That's a huge question to answer.  Only God knows.

Kids are so precious, lovable, cute, cuddly, provide companionship, pure, innocent and just the perfect gift of life.  Especially for grandparents like Mum and Dad.  Faithful, caring and very loving grandparents.

We'll wrap this up before we start to think, talk, think, write and think too much again.

Love, Ny.

Talk. Talk. Talk.

So sick of it.  Sick and tired of all of it.  All I hear is talk, talk, talk and more talk.

I listen too much into everything.  Absorb too much of whatever is said to me, whatever I listen to.  When it's good it's too good that it's bad.  When it's great it's too great that I go out of control for not handling it the correct way.  Why does it seem that  there's always already a rule to every new  path.  Rules I never seem to follow.  Why don't things just happen because they do.  Why isn't the universe never flexible.  Just enough flexibility would be fine.  Why do the stars run away from me when it comes their time to take up responsibility and guide me through certain spots.

Talk.

I react to it with restlessness, fear and most times even dread.  I also react to it with high expectations.  Too high.  That's when talk becomes too much.  Because when it's too much I spend days on end thinking about everything that amounts to nothing.

Talk.

Where does it come from?  From everyone around me to the very mind that controls my being every single moment of my breathing.  Myself.

I'm sick.  Truly sick of listening and listening to every single thing.  Sick of allowing myself to be bombarded with every sound of it.

Talk.

I bet everyone around me is tired of me too.  All I do lately is talk, talk and talk.  Even in my silence.  Which a lot of people have described as being louder than making sound itself.

Talk.

It seems that the feeling everywhere is mutual.

Let's stop here.

Love, Ny.

To not read what I myself write

I'm so lazy, like literally, lazy, and have that 'I don't have time for this-don't wanna be bothered-please take me away' kinda feeling when it comes to proof-reading my own work.

I wish I didn't have to do any of it.  I don't like to.  I DON'T WANT TO!  I wish I didn't need to.  I wish I don't need to at all in the future.  In any of my future.

I need a secretary.  I know it's too soon for that.  I'm a poor PhD student.  My scholarship provides for my dorm, tuition and credit fees.  Only.  I don't have any part-time jobs whatsoever.  No allowance.

But I really need a proof-reader to read my every work.  I meant a Paid Proofreader.  One that I can boss around.  My daily work in writing needs to be re-read and corrected.  I wish I could just write through any writing once.  Whether it be a blog like this one, a manuscript for a journal, or even just course work essays or experiments write ups.

I need someone, some people, some willing anyone, to proofread everything for me.  PROOF READ FOR ME.  See that?

Good.

Come to think of it, it's funny.  Just so funny that I always have to wait to be in the 'right mood' to write something, study, read, proof-read something.  Anything.

Maybe I should wait for the 'right mood' to be in before I start my PhD.

Funny.

So much for all these PhD preparations and plans.

I have nothing more to say right now.

Bye.

Ny.

First PhD Hurdle

Yes I call it the first.  My very first PhD hurdle.  Because it was from my labmates.  The closest people I have in my small 'PhD network'.

I don't have strong immediate supporters that are like my labmates.  No other support compares to theirs.  Whether they are aware of it or not, they walk with me through every step of my journey.

Was it my fault?  Should I have let them know earlier that they will still be seeing me around?  Ordering chemicals for me?  Fixing my machines for me?  Having to read Chinese characters when I get lost trying to?  Get scolded at by our Advisor because of me?  Negotiation on my behalf?  Staying up late in the lab to give me a hand?  Answer my questions on Line any time of the day or night?

They are the real deal behind my work.  They do not receive enough credit for it.  They are not being appreciated enough.  They do not realize that I need them more than any other group in the campus.

Today was different though.  They reacted with surprised looks on their faces.  I got the shock of the day.  Hope this doesn't last the whole week.  Really not in the mood to make another blog post about it.

Well it seems this could be the beginning of a thread-like topic here.

They laughed in mockery at the news that our Advisor has already had my 'next topic' in mind.  They gasped at the idea that I would be staying for PhD.  They had expected me to finish my paper, have it published and be off and out of the lab.

I had to defend myself by answering their questions with rhetorical questions.  I had to.  I became defensive.

Yes they were on my side.  But I need to get them on my side again.  Don't wanna be walking this road alone you guys.

So I am taking my time.  Allowing time to let the news sink in.  Soon we'll be on the same page again.  All I need is time.  And orders from my Advisor for my darling lab mates to go about my case.  Of course.  Then I'll be good.

Good to go.  Good to overcome this and be ready for the next, more bigger, hurdles.

My dearest Labmates.  We are family.  We will always be.  Well, at least for the next three years.

Love, Ny.

My Horrible Sin

I'm slowly and strongly feeling bad about the bad I did.  It wasn't just against a friend.  It was against a special friend.  A soul sister.  More like a soul mate kind of sister.

Took me more than 2 months to finally get to grasp the concept of being true to sisterly bonds.  I was always slow in learning about friendships, loyalty, genuineness and faithfulness.  In growing up.

I am still learning.  Humility needs to be the cloud over my head every single day.  I need to always be wearing it as my cap.

I'm slowly realising that it's wrong to turn your back against a special friend, push them aside and bring in someone new.  Especially when that someone new has been in your friend's history.  I'm starting to get the principles that lie within friendship boundaries.  Seeing the hurt in me, yet not putting my friend's hurt first.

My horrible sin.

I kept pushing through even though I knew it was wrong.  I kept trying to win even though all the universe was against me.  I pushed hard.  Harder than I have ever pushed.  Energy wasted.  Wasted in barrels.  Wasted time and money.  But I had learned.  So much.

Love is not earned.  It happens.  It can't be forced.  If it chooses to go, let it go.  It will come when it is the right time.  Patience.  Happiness.  Being content.  Being okay.  Being good.  Being kind.  Being happy whatever comes.  Always be optimistic about every situation.  Leave when it's time.  Let good things come on their own.  Love no matter what.  Learn.  Live.  Give.  Love.

I'm learning to take the good out of my horrible situation.  My horrible sin.

Love, Ny.

Accepting Rejection.

A quote from 'Funny Texts' page on FB that melted my heart this morning:

'So weird/sad walking past someone in the hallway acting as if you two are strangers when in reality you used to know them better than anyone.'

Just feeling like this is gonna be me in a few weeks when new semester starts.

It's gonna be weird and sad.

In the cafetaria.  7-11.  On the roads.  In the departments.  Around the campus.  Inside and outside the school.  Everywhere.

Holding my breath now.  Dreading the coming months.  Gonna face reality.  Face my fears.

Accepting rejection.  My toughest hurdle ever.  Gonna do it.

Rejection.  Deal with it.

Love, Ny.

PhD. My Story for Success.

I smell success on the horizon.  It's coming towards me.  I feel a tone of seriousness taking over me.  A feeling of determination. 

A prepared soldier going into war.  An armed warrior fully equipped.

I feel strength gathering inside me.  Bones, muscles and nerves getting the whole system ready for battle.   I'm taking over everything in my way.  Going to swiftly conquer all obstacles in my path.  Victories are mine to gain.  Failures be my stepping stones as I publish and keep publishing my finished work till I'm done.

I'm stepping up my game and loving this journey already.

If God before me, who can be against me?

Bring on the next 3 years.  PhD.  My story for success.

For in God I trust.

Love, Ny.

My Title. My Profession. Not my Name.

I've been saying this the past months while gearing up to start Phd.  When friends start to call me Dr Nelma.  That I don't want to be named after my qualification.

I have the names given to me at birth.  And I have my self included few additional ones too.  There are already six of them.  That's already one too many names.  Only four of them are official.  Meaning they are written on my passport and other IDs.  Still too long.  Not to mention my Chinese name that's written and stamped on most important documents.

The title of 'Dr' can stay in my certificates where it belongs.  In official documents where I need it.  And be used to address me during official gatherings and functions.

Other than that, please call me by my first and middle names when the time comes.  Use my Chinese name if you wish.  I love my Chinese name.  Address me by my numerous nicknames.  Given to me by my very many friends back home and overseas.  Ny, Nelo, Nelco, Tigs, Nigel, and others. Every one of my name is special in its own way.  I didn't work hard in school to get them.  They are mine.  They represent me.  They are me.

It's true that I work hard in school and work.  I thrive there.  And for this very reason, whatever titles I earn while in school or work will stay there.  Where they belong.

Yes. Of course.  I'd always love me some acknowledgements.  Sure.  Just do it at the right time.  In the right place.

My title(s).  My Profession.  Not my Name.

Love, Ny.

Untimely longings

Yebo.  I get that a lot.  In season and out of season.

At times they are deep.  Other times shallow.

At times they are being met.  More often than not they are just passing by and caused or forced to move on.

Fleeting emotions.  At the pace of the minute hands of my living room clock.

My yearning feeling doth wait.  At times.  Yes.  Only at times.

I right a lot of things.  I also wrong a lot of them.  Ok probably much more than the things I right.

I right a lot of people.  And wrong a whole lot more.

I put the blame on those untimely longings.  They feel good.  But undesirable and unwelcomed when weirdness results.  I get restless.  Uptight and not loosened up.

Untimely longings.  They lead to doing without first thinking.  Humiliation follows.  Shame.  Awkwardness.

Untimely longings.

I shake my head in disgust.  I run out of things to say.  I pull back, go red and shut myself down.  Then I bow and escape.

I'm gone.

Love, Ny.