Are these people crazy? They think I'm going to sit around and take my time with this PhD thingy and take up 5 bloody lonely years to graduate?
Freaken hail to the NO I ain't be sticking around here.
You wanna know what I'll be doing in my fifth year from now? I'll be counting stars baby.
Yeah you heard me. I'll be counting lots of stars. Guess that'd be lots of me's. I'll be counting me!!!
Love you all my angelic labmates, but wait till I prove your chit chatting wrong (and they do it right in front of me too - I can hear and understand every word youz are saying about me you IDs).
So long my doves.
Love, Ny.
Dis is where you find me. Me loves. Me likes. Me dislikes. Me plans. Me visions. Me thinks.... What Ny thinks, Ny visions.
Monday, August 31, 2015
To be or not to be excited.
I don't even know what that title means. The only thing I'm sure of is I am too excited right now to even do work. It's coming up my neck and I'm seriously gonna drown in my own excitement.
Yes! Just got word from my advisor that I am presenting a poster this year in December at the annual Food Science Conference in Taipei. Sooooooooo... yesss! Yes I am excited. Nervously excited but more excited than nervous and the funny thing is that I don't really know the real reason why.
Ok so I get it. I am putting my work out there. I have just handed in the draft for my paper to submit to a scientific journal online. And now doing a real poster. Yes, a real one this time. Not just for a seminar class. But this excitement is a little too much. It just seems a bit over the top. So I'm hoping one thing is going to lead to another and that this is gonna be worth it.
Save my PhD project for a few days later this week. Because this present few days are going to be dedicated to my nicely decorated symmetrically arranged poster with personally customized and creatively (I like to think so) selected colors. And I'm hoping to pat myself on the back after it is done.
Now breathing heavily as if I'm about to be presented with an award or something awesome like that. I am getting ahead of myself now and so full of it. Though it's just a feeling. That I know. I just hope I calm down sooner than later so I can get down to real work and make it come out brilliantly great.
I love my work. Yes. And I am so excited for great things ahead.
Love, Ny.
Yes! Just got word from my advisor that I am presenting a poster this year in December at the annual Food Science Conference in Taipei. Sooooooooo... yesss! Yes I am excited. Nervously excited but more excited than nervous and the funny thing is that I don't really know the real reason why.
Ok so I get it. I am putting my work out there. I have just handed in the draft for my paper to submit to a scientific journal online. And now doing a real poster. Yes, a real one this time. Not just for a seminar class. But this excitement is a little too much. It just seems a bit over the top. So I'm hoping one thing is going to lead to another and that this is gonna be worth it.
Save my PhD project for a few days later this week. Because this present few days are going to be dedicated to my nicely decorated symmetrically arranged poster with personally customized and creatively (I like to think so) selected colors. And I'm hoping to pat myself on the back after it is done.
Now breathing heavily as if I'm about to be presented with an award or something awesome like that. I am getting ahead of myself now and so full of it. Though it's just a feeling. That I know. I just hope I calm down sooner than later so I can get down to real work and make it come out brilliantly great.
I love my work. Yes. And I am so excited for great things ahead.
Love, Ny.
I love my work. Period.
I don't know how to write anymore. It's been a while. But today my work has reached deep into me to bring at least some words out.
I love my work. I really do. I'm passionate when it comes to reading, analyzing, deducing, adding to and writing about my research work. Oh God! The sighs that come out whenever I print a page or two of my drafts. The simple paper in black and white in front of me, lifts my spirits, makes me nervous every time and takes me back to my primary school years when I used to wake up at 4 am in the mornings, go to the little store room by the kitchen that I use as my study room and do my homework and readings. Once my maternal grandfather found me in there doing my work early in the morning. He said something that has stayed with me till this very day and will continue to push me on. It was in his mother tongue, but it went something like 'This little girl is very young, but has a big desire to study'. That line may have taken me this far and will continue to do so until my very last breath.
My passion for the things I do. I don't know how deep they are, or how long they will last, or how much strength I have to keep them there and bring forth fruits that will help to impact my generation. All I know is that I love my work so much. Take me away from it and I will detest the very nature in you.
And that will be all for today. If any has even been wondering about this at all. :P (that's an emoji with tongue showing).
Sooooooo..... handing in the first draft for my paper to my advisor this morning.
Oh God!
Love, Ny.
I love my work. I really do. I'm passionate when it comes to reading, analyzing, deducing, adding to and writing about my research work. Oh God! The sighs that come out whenever I print a page or two of my drafts. The simple paper in black and white in front of me, lifts my spirits, makes me nervous every time and takes me back to my primary school years when I used to wake up at 4 am in the mornings, go to the little store room by the kitchen that I use as my study room and do my homework and readings. Once my maternal grandfather found me in there doing my work early in the morning. He said something that has stayed with me till this very day and will continue to push me on. It was in his mother tongue, but it went something like 'This little girl is very young, but has a big desire to study'. That line may have taken me this far and will continue to do so until my very last breath.
My passion for the things I do. I don't know how deep they are, or how long they will last, or how much strength I have to keep them there and bring forth fruits that will help to impact my generation. All I know is that I love my work so much. Take me away from it and I will detest the very nature in you.
And that will be all for today. If any has even been wondering about this at all. :P (that's an emoji with tongue showing).
Sooooooo..... handing in the first draft for my paper to my advisor this morning.
Oh God!
Love, Ny.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Going crazy crazy crazy just writing about my research' - remix on KC and Jojo's 'Crazy'
Dis crazy world of writing be making me cringe and coil (Again!).
You know how you write (ok maybe it's just me when I write), and you had printed a good copy of your draft, even gave it to your advisor to check. Then after a day or two you pick up the draft (when you're refreshed) to check the paper again and you find mistakes. One mistake. Ok now that's fine, I can just correct that easily and reprint again. Oh wait! Two mistakes. What! No! Third. Fourth. And now the results section is full of it. And the discussion looks like a blind person putting together points from all over the place.
Wwwwwhhhaaaat was I thinking? There's just so many you can swirl them up together in the ingredients bowl and bake a whole delicious cake and name it 'I'm a freak' cake.
Yeah that's exactly how I'm feeling now. I'm doomed.
"I'm going craze, craze, craze, craze, thinking about you latelyyyyy!!
I'm going crazy, crazy, cos I can't get this thing under control.
Crazy, crazy, cos my mind has been clouded so much lately
Crazy, crazy, till I can present a perfect draft againnnnnn"
Echo: I can print it, I can print it, I can print a ferfect draft... oooh oooh yeah yeahhhh.. (music fades)
Worse if you find mistakes in your official Master Thesis copies.
MASTER THESIS COPIES. THE OFFICIAL ONES!!!!!
I AM SO FAR AWAY RIGHT NOW AND DOOOOOOOMEDDDDDDDD!!!!!!
I'm gonna speak in tongues soon. DON'T GET CLOSE!!!!
DANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok whatever.
Blehhhhh!!!!!
Love, Ny.
You know how you write (ok maybe it's just me when I write), and you had printed a good copy of your draft, even gave it to your advisor to check. Then after a day or two you pick up the draft (when you're refreshed) to check the paper again and you find mistakes. One mistake. Ok now that's fine, I can just correct that easily and reprint again. Oh wait! Two mistakes. What! No! Third. Fourth. And now the results section is full of it. And the discussion looks like a blind person putting together points from all over the place.
Wwwwwhhhaaaat was I thinking? There's just so many you can swirl them up together in the ingredients bowl and bake a whole delicious cake and name it 'I'm a freak' cake.
Yeah that's exactly how I'm feeling now. I'm doomed.
"I'm going craze, craze, craze, craze, thinking about you latelyyyyy!!
I'm going crazy, crazy, cos I can't get this thing under control.
Crazy, crazy, cos my mind has been clouded so much lately
Crazy, crazy, till I can present a perfect draft againnnnnn"
Echo: I can print it, I can print it, I can print a ferfect draft... oooh oooh yeah yeahhhh.. (music fades)
Worse if you find mistakes in your official Master Thesis copies.
MASTER THESIS COPIES. THE OFFICIAL ONES!!!!!
I AM SO FAR AWAY RIGHT NOW AND DOOOOOOOMEDDDDDDDD!!!!!!
I'm gonna speak in tongues soon. DON'T GET CLOSE!!!!
DANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok whatever.
Blehhhhh!!!!!
Love, Ny.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Sophisticated yet simple.
Huh!
So I abruptly told a future landscaper today that I wanted the landscape of my library building (Ny Vision Library) to have a 'sophisticated yet simple' look.
Ny Vision Library is still in the works (in my head that is). So in my head, the overall organizational structure is already planned out and envisioned. It will have one main center with branches wherever there is a high density of my relatives and their families. I plan to boost the idea of education into the young minds and hearts of kids around the areas I live whether in the towns or the villages. The location we're talking about here is back home, in the Solomon Islands.
The designs are coming out bit by bit. The resources, the users, the mission statement, the reasons why there is a need for this vision, the spaces and a whole lot more other things that will be a part of this project. Plans for the budget, advertising and sponsors are still in the books. I meant in the ppt files in the Ny Vision Library folder in my Google Drive.
Sophisticated yet simple.
It just came up. I don't know how in the world I came up with the phrase. I even had to look it up on the net. I think it came up for a destined, still unknown, reason. Because looking it up on the net, I found that it's a more personal style, all up to the designer and the owner. That it can be for houses, clothes, fashion, food, anything you can think of really.
I see myself as a hopeful owner. Owner of a lot of things that won't be disclosed here as yet. Till the time is right. But I guess I have now disclosed that I am the proud owner of a still-in-the-planning-stage sophisticated yet simple landscaped library building.
The young landscaper chuckled when he saw the phrase. I might have just presented him with the first ever real challenge of his life. I hope I just boosted a desire of enthusiasm in him for his work. Because I haven't even pictured how sophisticated yet simple my first library building landscape would look like.
Oh God! (this is how I pray when I'm faced with a huge dilemma)
I rest my case.
Love, Ny.
So I abruptly told a future landscaper today that I wanted the landscape of my library building (Ny Vision Library) to have a 'sophisticated yet simple' look.
Ny Vision Library is still in the works (in my head that is). So in my head, the overall organizational structure is already planned out and envisioned. It will have one main center with branches wherever there is a high density of my relatives and their families. I plan to boost the idea of education into the young minds and hearts of kids around the areas I live whether in the towns or the villages. The location we're talking about here is back home, in the Solomon Islands.
The designs are coming out bit by bit. The resources, the users, the mission statement, the reasons why there is a need for this vision, the spaces and a whole lot more other things that will be a part of this project. Plans for the budget, advertising and sponsors are still in the books. I meant in the ppt files in the Ny Vision Library folder in my Google Drive.
Sophisticated yet simple.
It just came up. I don't know how in the world I came up with the phrase. I even had to look it up on the net. I think it came up for a destined, still unknown, reason. Because looking it up on the net, I found that it's a more personal style, all up to the designer and the owner. That it can be for houses, clothes, fashion, food, anything you can think of really.
I see myself as a hopeful owner. Owner of a lot of things that won't be disclosed here as yet. Till the time is right. But I guess I have now disclosed that I am the proud owner of a still-in-the-planning-stage sophisticated yet simple landscaped library building.
The young landscaper chuckled when he saw the phrase. I might have just presented him with the first ever real challenge of his life. I hope I just boosted a desire of enthusiasm in him for his work. Because I haven't even pictured how sophisticated yet simple my first library building landscape would look like.
Oh God! (this is how I pray when I'm faced with a huge dilemma)
I rest my case.
Love, Ny.
Friday, August 21, 2015
Looking forward to something.
I've always loved looking forward to something. I still do. Always. For anything good, pleasant, desirable.
I love the idea of having different things happening all at the same time so I don't need to have a break. I can go from doing one thing and straight on to another.
After my day is done, I'd like to know that there is food that I'm willing to go back home for to prepare. Or that there is money available to buy food, cooked or uncooked. Or that there is something waiting for me. Or someone somewhere to meet up and hang out. Or that there are friends who are up to something that I could be a part of. After all the activities of the day are done, I'd like to have sleep come at me and knock me down at the instant that I want it to.
When it comes to having a meal in front of me, I like to have a variety of food types on my plate. While I'm eating rice, there should be meat to look forward to. With the meat I'd like some veges on the side. Some colored greens. There should be some tasty looking protein-labeled ration to give the food a side flavor to remember after meal time has passed. Soup that's thick and ready to be savored would be much appreciated if there's an opportunity for it. Salad gives a meal it's nutritiously-healthy air. Whether it'd be vegetable or fruit salad. Add it to my cuisine please. Dessert is not mandatory, but always appreciated. Just a little would do. Now for the drink. My, oh my. For the love of money, drinks can't be left out, don't you dare leave it out. From thick orange or apple juice to a banana smoothie to those sparkling glasses of cocktail making me swoon. I'd fancy myself to some wine if you don't mind. Now I'm getting carried away with food variety of my fantasies.
It's not only food that I like to look forward too. I like to look forward to exam results when I'm anticipating great ones of course. I look forward to moving. To new places. New feelings. New plans. New and fresh promises. New love. Oh. Here we go. New Love. Sounds fascinating and pleasant already just by the mention of it.
I guess I don't give up then. I don't back down just cos something or someone pushes me into a dark corner and suppresses me for a period of time. I always get up again. I always set something up again. Something to look forward to again.
To be frank, things have been tough. Reality has molded, shaped, bent and broken me. It has played me over and over. I have had to let go of a lot of things and people. I have also had to just accept things (and people) for the way they are. But I always come out of them. I've always learned to learn from them. I've always picked myself up and had kept moving.
Looking forward to something has always been a good feeling to be transfixed in. In that particular moment, you know, you are happy, you smile and you savor joyously a perfect moment that even though would pass anyway, at that moment, it was truly yours.
Looking forward to something good. Or just merely looking forward. That in itself is already good enough.
Love, Ny.
I love the idea of having different things happening all at the same time so I don't need to have a break. I can go from doing one thing and straight on to another.
After my day is done, I'd like to know that there is food that I'm willing to go back home for to prepare. Or that there is money available to buy food, cooked or uncooked. Or that there is something waiting for me. Or someone somewhere to meet up and hang out. Or that there are friends who are up to something that I could be a part of. After all the activities of the day are done, I'd like to have sleep come at me and knock me down at the instant that I want it to.
When it comes to having a meal in front of me, I like to have a variety of food types on my plate. While I'm eating rice, there should be meat to look forward to. With the meat I'd like some veges on the side. Some colored greens. There should be some tasty looking protein-labeled ration to give the food a side flavor to remember after meal time has passed. Soup that's thick and ready to be savored would be much appreciated if there's an opportunity for it. Salad gives a meal it's nutritiously-healthy air. Whether it'd be vegetable or fruit salad. Add it to my cuisine please. Dessert is not mandatory, but always appreciated. Just a little would do. Now for the drink. My, oh my. For the love of money, drinks can't be left out, don't you dare leave it out. From thick orange or apple juice to a banana smoothie to those sparkling glasses of cocktail making me swoon. I'd fancy myself to some wine if you don't mind. Now I'm getting carried away with food variety of my fantasies.
It's not only food that I like to look forward too. I like to look forward to exam results when I'm anticipating great ones of course. I look forward to moving. To new places. New feelings. New plans. New and fresh promises. New love. Oh. Here we go. New Love. Sounds fascinating and pleasant already just by the mention of it.
I guess I don't give up then. I don't back down just cos something or someone pushes me into a dark corner and suppresses me for a period of time. I always get up again. I always set something up again. Something to look forward to again.
To be frank, things have been tough. Reality has molded, shaped, bent and broken me. It has played me over and over. I have had to let go of a lot of things and people. I have also had to just accept things (and people) for the way they are. But I always come out of them. I've always learned to learn from them. I've always picked myself up and had kept moving.
Looking forward to something has always been a good feeling to be transfixed in. In that particular moment, you know, you are happy, you smile and you savor joyously a perfect moment that even though would pass anyway, at that moment, it was truly yours.
Looking forward to something good. Or just merely looking forward. That in itself is already good enough.
Love, Ny.
Paying the Price
Paying the price. Well, for anything that deserves a price really. Anything that counts. Anything that needs sacrificing. Anything that needs your time, money, relationships, family, friends, norms and even beliefs. Not to mention your many, many days, weeks, months and for the most part, your years.
Paying the price, especially when you're spending years, changes you a lot. And I mean, literally, A LOT. Much much more than you can ever comprehend. People you're close to notice numerous changes about you. Some so intense they cannot take it. Some, thankfully, inspiring to many that they want what you have.
These changes come with your choices, and they can and do affect the way people think of you. Not that one should be thinking about what other people think of them. But, sure, we all do that. At some point, we do. And at times we have to. Especially when we want to appeal to the wider audience.
Paying the price. I have actually thought about it. From time to time. Oh believe me I do. Not that I am doing anything about it. Well I am, of course, cos that would be the only reason I am where I am. Right? But I have been so one-sided these past years. Not thinking about other people. Not taking into account the consequences that life brings when you actually do pay for the price of something.
For instance, I lost my beloved grandma without saying good bye. My Mami Olo.
She knew better. And maybe she knew better than to tell me how me and her were going to say good bye. How it will come about. That sadness had had a grip on me ever since, and even to this very day, I don't know if I will ever really come to terms with the whole turning of events that led to her passing. I actually told her: '2 years mami olo, 2 years.' She said okay. She believed me. She waited. And when I didn't show up at the end of 2 years, she passed, just 2 months after the appointed time. October 2014. I still have that huge heavy ball of lump whenever I think of it.
It's the price I'm paying, still paying now, and countless others with it.
For what it's worth, I dedicated my Masters Thesis to Mami Olo. She will never read it. She will never know.
To add to that, I'm paying the price for a whole lot of other things, of course. Like I wholly believe that if I was back home, I'd already be married. It'd be much easier to find someone back home than overseas in an isolated institute with only lab mates, classmates and international friends. Only. Geez, I could create a whole new post on this topic. Just not yet. My life is mostly an open book already with this blog thing. My choice. I'm cool with the way it is. Not that people would wanna read it.
I generally like the way things are turning out though. It's just that sometimes, at times, I'm reminded of how I'm paying for the price. And then I get saddened by a lot of things.
I'm gonna have to close by saying God surely works in mysterious ways. I'm always trusting him for everything. Even if I'm regularly seeing things and circumstances as being 'me paying the price'. Yeah I guess that's just me. No I don't see me as 'missing out' on life back home. No I don't. My life here is just too good for those kinds of thoughts.
I will continue to press on. Continue to pay the price. Till my time here is done and I can go back to be in the beautiful Happy Isles again.
I guess I'm generally not only looking forward to good stuff. I am living the good stuff. Paying the price, and paying it well.
I have decided, haven't I? That if it's gonna be big, then I'm gonna have to pay big for it. And if it's gonna be huge, then...
I think you get the picture.
Love, Ny.
Paying the price, especially when you're spending years, changes you a lot. And I mean, literally, A LOT. Much much more than you can ever comprehend. People you're close to notice numerous changes about you. Some so intense they cannot take it. Some, thankfully, inspiring to many that they want what you have.
These changes come with your choices, and they can and do affect the way people think of you. Not that one should be thinking about what other people think of them. But, sure, we all do that. At some point, we do. And at times we have to. Especially when we want to appeal to the wider audience.
Paying the price. I have actually thought about it. From time to time. Oh believe me I do. Not that I am doing anything about it. Well I am, of course, cos that would be the only reason I am where I am. Right? But I have been so one-sided these past years. Not thinking about other people. Not taking into account the consequences that life brings when you actually do pay for the price of something.
For instance, I lost my beloved grandma without saying good bye. My Mami Olo.
She knew better. And maybe she knew better than to tell me how me and her were going to say good bye. How it will come about. That sadness had had a grip on me ever since, and even to this very day, I don't know if I will ever really come to terms with the whole turning of events that led to her passing. I actually told her: '2 years mami olo, 2 years.' She said okay. She believed me. She waited. And when I didn't show up at the end of 2 years, she passed, just 2 months after the appointed time. October 2014. I still have that huge heavy ball of lump whenever I think of it.
It's the price I'm paying, still paying now, and countless others with it.
For what it's worth, I dedicated my Masters Thesis to Mami Olo. She will never read it. She will never know.
To add to that, I'm paying the price for a whole lot of other things, of course. Like I wholly believe that if I was back home, I'd already be married. It'd be much easier to find someone back home than overseas in an isolated institute with only lab mates, classmates and international friends. Only. Geez, I could create a whole new post on this topic. Just not yet. My life is mostly an open book already with this blog thing. My choice. I'm cool with the way it is. Not that people would wanna read it.
I generally like the way things are turning out though. It's just that sometimes, at times, I'm reminded of how I'm paying for the price. And then I get saddened by a lot of things.
I'm gonna have to close by saying God surely works in mysterious ways. I'm always trusting him for everything. Even if I'm regularly seeing things and circumstances as being 'me paying the price'. Yeah I guess that's just me. No I don't see me as 'missing out' on life back home. No I don't. My life here is just too good for those kinds of thoughts.
I will continue to press on. Continue to pay the price. Till my time here is done and I can go back to be in the beautiful Happy Isles again.
I guess I'm generally not only looking forward to good stuff. I am living the good stuff. Paying the price, and paying it well.
I have decided, haven't I? That if it's gonna be big, then I'm gonna have to pay big for it. And if it's gonna be huge, then...
I think you get the picture.
Love, Ny.
The Mood Rant
The mood.
'The' mood.
I'm talking about THE mood.
On overall, I'm generally an easy going, slowly living, slow leaving, slow learning, easy seeing, and easy loving, too, I suppose.
Ok now, the previous list is when I'm not doing work. So now, on to work, whether it be in school or at work.
I'm, not so surprisingly, but as opposed to be being easy as I have always thought I am, I'm radical and quick, fast, brisk and swift when I am doing work. Even at home, cleaning up, or doing laundry, cooking or washing up. It always has to be fast, because the finished job could just be minutes away. So why not get to it fast. That's the whole idea.
Now back to THE mood.
I realized, that I make myself sad. Most times. Or maybe I attract sad moods. So generally, I am just a sad, more to the gloomy, moody, head down, this-life-is-dark-and-cloudy type of mood. It comes out in the songs I write, the tunes, the poems and the writings.
No wonder I'm too lively when with friends. No wonder I'm always jumping at the thought of being together where there is noise. No wonder I love to tease. No wonder when I'm happy I'm so happy. No wonder when I get to start talking, I do it nonstop. Sometimes I go over the top with talking, laughing, having fun. Cos I know the sad and gloomy would creep in again. And the cycle would start again.
Easy going? Some friends of mine actually told me I am easy going. Huh! I laugh at the idea. Cos inside of me is a lion waiting for its prey. Okay, a tiger maybe, cos I admire tiger spots. I liken myself to the skin of a tiger. Not the face. No thank you. I'd rather be a parrot. Or a pigeon even. Geese. Geese that fly. Dat be me.
The mood in me.
I'm always conscious of how consciously I express the mood I'm in. If I'm quiet I'll be conscious that people will notice. If I'm noisy I'm definite people will comment on it. And I'm usually right too. I'm far from being the life of the party when I'm noisy though. Cos I'd just be annoying. Or I'd run out of things to say.
So let's just say my mood rant is mostly about the sad and happy me.
What about the angry me? Hhmmmm... Ok now about that part? I think it's safe that we don't go there for now. Let it be in another post so I could decorate it nicely with unthreatening and don't-worry-you-will-still-love-me-after-this-post words of assurance.
Ranting for today stops here. I hope it's shorter than a normal rant. I'm pretty sure it is.
Love, Ny.
'The' mood.
I'm talking about THE mood.
On overall, I'm generally an easy going, slowly living, slow leaving, slow learning, easy seeing, and easy loving, too, I suppose.
Ok now, the previous list is when I'm not doing work. So now, on to work, whether it be in school or at work.
I'm, not so surprisingly, but as opposed to be being easy as I have always thought I am, I'm radical and quick, fast, brisk and swift when I am doing work. Even at home, cleaning up, or doing laundry, cooking or washing up. It always has to be fast, because the finished job could just be minutes away. So why not get to it fast. That's the whole idea.
Now back to THE mood.
I realized, that I make myself sad. Most times. Or maybe I attract sad moods. So generally, I am just a sad, more to the gloomy, moody, head down, this-life-is-dark-and-cloudy type of mood. It comes out in the songs I write, the tunes, the poems and the writings.
No wonder I'm too lively when with friends. No wonder I'm always jumping at the thought of being together where there is noise. No wonder I love to tease. No wonder when I'm happy I'm so happy. No wonder when I get to start talking, I do it nonstop. Sometimes I go over the top with talking, laughing, having fun. Cos I know the sad and gloomy would creep in again. And the cycle would start again.
Easy going? Some friends of mine actually told me I am easy going. Huh! I laugh at the idea. Cos inside of me is a lion waiting for its prey. Okay, a tiger maybe, cos I admire tiger spots. I liken myself to the skin of a tiger. Not the face. No thank you. I'd rather be a parrot. Or a pigeon even. Geese. Geese that fly. Dat be me.
The mood in me.
I'm always conscious of how consciously I express the mood I'm in. If I'm quiet I'll be conscious that people will notice. If I'm noisy I'm definite people will comment on it. And I'm usually right too. I'm far from being the life of the party when I'm noisy though. Cos I'd just be annoying. Or I'd run out of things to say.
So let's just say my mood rant is mostly about the sad and happy me.
What about the angry me? Hhmmmm... Ok now about that part? I think it's safe that we don't go there for now. Let it be in another post so I could decorate it nicely with unthreatening and don't-worry-you-will-still-love-me-after-this-post words of assurance.
Ranting for today stops here. I hope it's shorter than a normal rant. I'm pretty sure it is.
Love, Ny.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
It sucks. Love, Ny.
Feeling so bad today. So bad it hurts. It pains. It sucks.
It really does suck to have someone not tell you anything then just cut you off like that.
Sometimes I think that if someone treated you badly, they would also do it to the next person. Because that's just how they are. Then other times I just blame myself for not knowing what to do and how to respond in the right way to situations that come up.
Sometimes I think I'm better off. Then other times I just wish I have that someone back in my life. And not just in my mind every single day and night.
I'm taking my time. Even if at times I just get tired and just wanna scream him out of my system.
Yes. Him.
I feel bad that it's just sad.
I'm still gonna close today with love in my heart though.
Love, Ny.
It really does suck to have someone not tell you anything then just cut you off like that.
Sometimes I think that if someone treated you badly, they would also do it to the next person. Because that's just how they are. Then other times I just blame myself for not knowing what to do and how to respond in the right way to situations that come up.
Sometimes I think I'm better off. Then other times I just wish I have that someone back in my life. And not just in my mind every single day and night.
I'm taking my time. Even if at times I just get tired and just wanna scream him out of my system.
Yes. Him.
I feel bad that it's just sad.
I'm still gonna close today with love in my heart though.
Love, Ny.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Too up on yourself.
What?
You think that after I turned down your offer for 'some activity' that I'd be waking up every morning saying 'I wish I'd see him today' or 'I wish I'd run into him (again) today'. Can't you even figure it out for yourself?
Yes it does bug me. It bugs me how boys (not men) think girls would just go after them like that. Of course you have features that I'd lay in bed dreaming of, picturing how we could be a couple, imagining how I'd love and care for you and make every moment count while we're here in this isolated-god-forsaken-most times very lonely place. Of course I could be really weak, be swept off my feet and into your arms knowing very well you have your significant other waiting at home. But OF COURSE I'm not that stupid. I could be crazy, but for other things. Not this one. Nah. Hail No!
Yes you are just too up on your self. And yes I could go on and on venting and letting it out here so I can get your arrogance that's now rubbing off on me out of my system. But I only have time for my paper. So we'll bring this to a close. Maybe to a closure.
You see, I see you almost everyday. Yes our paths seem to be crisscrossing every other day. But this is my space too. And for the record, I was here first. I occupy this damn space and you should make damn sure you mind your own damn business like I am making damn sure I damn am.
Stalking you? It surely is the other way around if there is any stalking involved here. Get over yourself Mr Handsome Afro.
I am obsessed. Yes. Stupid. Crazy, and in love. Just not for you thank you very much.
We still friends though. So expect more of me around. You can even invite me over for lunch or dinner outside at 7-11. We can hang out while your gf hangs on your shoulder and you try to make undistracted conversations with me till your she pulls you away with that 'he's-mine-don't-touch' body language. Or even better, I can invite the two of you over and I'll cook, the girls will bake some cakes and we'll have movie night with pop corn, snacks and ice cream and finish off with some vodka lime, wine and beer afterwards.
I'm over this.
Love, Ny.
You think that after I turned down your offer for 'some activity' that I'd be waking up every morning saying 'I wish I'd see him today' or 'I wish I'd run into him (again) today'. Can't you even figure it out for yourself?
Yes it does bug me. It bugs me how boys (not men) think girls would just go after them like that. Of course you have features that I'd lay in bed dreaming of, picturing how we could be a couple, imagining how I'd love and care for you and make every moment count while we're here in this isolated-god-forsaken-most times very lonely place. Of course I could be really weak, be swept off my feet and into your arms knowing very well you have your significant other waiting at home. But OF COURSE I'm not that stupid. I could be crazy, but for other things. Not this one. Nah. Hail No!
Yes you are just too up on your self. And yes I could go on and on venting and letting it out here so I can get your arrogance that's now rubbing off on me out of my system. But I only have time for my paper. So we'll bring this to a close. Maybe to a closure.
You see, I see you almost everyday. Yes our paths seem to be crisscrossing every other day. But this is my space too. And for the record, I was here first. I occupy this damn space and you should make damn sure you mind your own damn business like I am making damn sure I damn am.
Stalking you? It surely is the other way around if there is any stalking involved here. Get over yourself Mr Handsome Afro.
I am obsessed. Yes. Stupid. Crazy, and in love. Just not for you thank you very much.
We still friends though. So expect more of me around. You can even invite me over for lunch or dinner outside at 7-11. We can hang out while your gf hangs on your shoulder and you try to make undistracted conversations with me till your she pulls you away with that 'he's-mine-don't-touch' body language. Or even better, I can invite the two of you over and I'll cook, the girls will bake some cakes and we'll have movie night with pop corn, snacks and ice cream and finish off with some vodka lime, wine and beer afterwards.
I'm over this.
Love, Ny.
A double hint from Mum.
Just got a text from Mum. Her and Dad are missing Baby Lianga who went back to be with his parents.
Kids are so precious, lovable, cute, cuddly, provide companionship, pure, innocent and just the perfect gift of life. Especially for grandparents like Mum and Dad. Faithful, caring and very loving grandparents.
Thanks Mum for the hint hint. I get it now. I'm in my child-bearing years. I need to be bearing children already. If not for me then for the grandparents. And of course I'd love myself some kids already by now.
This is tough. Such a tough position to be in.
Such a huge double hint from Mum. I miss them now. But when I'm gonna bear children? That's a huge question to answer. Only God knows.
Kids are so precious, lovable, cute, cuddly, provide companionship, pure, innocent and just the perfect gift of life. Especially for grandparents like Mum and Dad. Faithful, caring and very loving grandparents.
We'll wrap this up before we start to think, talk, think, write and think too much again.
Love, Ny.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Talk. Talk. Talk.
So sick of it. Sick and tired of all of it. All I hear is talk, talk, talk and more talk.
I listen too much into everything. Absorb too much of whatever is said to me, whatever I listen to. When it's good it's too good that it's bad. When it's great it's too great that I go out of control for not handling it the correct way. Why does it seem that there's always already a rule to every new path. Rules I never seem to follow. Why don't things just happen because they do. Why isn't the universe never flexible. Just enough flexibility would be fine. Why do the stars run away from me when it comes their time to take up responsibility and guide me through certain spots.
Talk.
I react to it with restlessness, fear and most times even dread. I also react to it with high expectations. Too high. That's when talk becomes too much. Because when it's too much I spend days on end thinking about everything that amounts to nothing.
Talk.
Where does it come from? From everyone around me to the very mind that controls my being every single moment of my breathing. Myself.
I'm sick. Truly sick of listening and listening to every single thing. Sick of allowing myself to be bombarded with every sound of it.
Talk.
I bet everyone around me is tired of me too. All I do lately is talk, talk and talk. Even in my silence. Which a lot of people have described as being louder than making sound itself.
Talk.
It seems that the feeling everywhere is mutual.
Let's stop here.
Love, Ny.
I listen too much into everything. Absorb too much of whatever is said to me, whatever I listen to. When it's good it's too good that it's bad. When it's great it's too great that I go out of control for not handling it the correct way. Why does it seem that there's always already a rule to every new path. Rules I never seem to follow. Why don't things just happen because they do. Why isn't the universe never flexible. Just enough flexibility would be fine. Why do the stars run away from me when it comes their time to take up responsibility and guide me through certain spots.
Talk.
I react to it with restlessness, fear and most times even dread. I also react to it with high expectations. Too high. That's when talk becomes too much. Because when it's too much I spend days on end thinking about everything that amounts to nothing.
Talk.
Where does it come from? From everyone around me to the very mind that controls my being every single moment of my breathing. Myself.
I'm sick. Truly sick of listening and listening to every single thing. Sick of allowing myself to be bombarded with every sound of it.
Talk.
I bet everyone around me is tired of me too. All I do lately is talk, talk and talk. Even in my silence. Which a lot of people have described as being louder than making sound itself.
Talk.
It seems that the feeling everywhere is mutual.
Let's stop here.
Love, Ny.
To not read what I myself write
I'm so lazy, like literally, lazy, and have that 'I don't have time for this-don't wanna be bothered-please take me away' kinda feeling when it comes to proof-reading my own work.
I wish I didn't have to do any of it. I don't like to. I DON'T WANT TO! I wish I didn't need to. I wish I don't need to at all in the future. In any of my future.
I need a secretary. I know it's too soon for that. I'm a poor PhD student. My scholarship provides for my dorm, tuition and credit fees. Only. I don't have any part-time jobs whatsoever. No allowance.
But I really need a proof-reader to read my every work. I meant a Paid Proofreader. One that I can boss around. My daily work in writing needs to be re-read and corrected. I wish I could just write through any writing once. Whether it be a blog like this one, a manuscript for a journal, or even just course work essays or experiments write ups.
I need someone, some people, some willing anyone, to proofread everything for me. PROOF READ FOR ME. See that?
Good.
Come to think of it, it's funny. Just so funny that I always have to wait to be in the 'right mood' to write something, study, read, proof-read something. Anything.
Maybe I should wait for the 'right mood' to be in before I start my PhD.
Funny.
So much for all these PhD preparations and plans.
I have nothing more to say right now.
Bye.
Ny.
I wish I didn't have to do any of it. I don't like to. I DON'T WANT TO! I wish I didn't need to. I wish I don't need to at all in the future. In any of my future.
I need a secretary. I know it's too soon for that. I'm a poor PhD student. My scholarship provides for my dorm, tuition and credit fees. Only. I don't have any part-time jobs whatsoever. No allowance.
But I really need a proof-reader to read my every work. I meant a Paid Proofreader. One that I can boss around. My daily work in writing needs to be re-read and corrected. I wish I could just write through any writing once. Whether it be a blog like this one, a manuscript for a journal, or even just course work essays or experiments write ups.
I need someone, some people, some willing anyone, to proofread everything for me. PROOF READ FOR ME. See that?
Good.
Come to think of it, it's funny. Just so funny that I always have to wait to be in the 'right mood' to write something, study, read, proof-read something. Anything.
Maybe I should wait for the 'right mood' to be in before I start my PhD.
Funny.
So much for all these PhD preparations and plans.
I have nothing more to say right now.
Bye.
Ny.
First PhD Hurdle
Yes I call it the first. My very first PhD hurdle. Because it was from my labmates. The closest people I have in my small 'PhD network'.
I don't have strong immediate supporters that are like my labmates. No other support compares to theirs. Whether they are aware of it or not, they walk with me through every step of my journey.
Was it my fault? Should I have let them know earlier that they will still be seeing me around? Ordering chemicals for me? Fixing my machines for me? Having to read Chinese characters when I get lost trying to? Get scolded at by our Advisor because of me? Negotiation on my behalf? Staying up late in the lab to give me a hand? Answer my questions on Line any time of the day or night?
They are the real deal behind my work. They do not receive enough credit for it. They are not being appreciated enough. They do not realize that I need them more than any other group in the campus.
Today was different though. They reacted with surprised looks on their faces. I got the shock of the day. Hope this doesn't last the whole week. Really not in the mood to make another blog post about it.
Well it seems this could be the beginning of a thread-like topic here.
They laughed in mockery at the news that our Advisor has already had my 'next topic' in mind. They gasped at the idea that I would be staying for PhD. They had expected me to finish my paper, have it published and be off and out of the lab.
I had to defend myself by answering their questions with rhetorical questions. I had to. I became defensive.
Yes they were on my side. But I need to get them on my side again. Don't wanna be walking this road alone you guys.
So I am taking my time. Allowing time to let the news sink in. Soon we'll be on the same page again. All I need is time. And orders from my Advisor for my darling lab mates to go about my case. Of course. Then I'll be good.
Good to go. Good to overcome this and be ready for the next, more bigger, hurdles.
My dearest Labmates. We are family. We will always be. Well, at least for the next three years.
Love, Ny.
I don't have strong immediate supporters that are like my labmates. No other support compares to theirs. Whether they are aware of it or not, they walk with me through every step of my journey.
Was it my fault? Should I have let them know earlier that they will still be seeing me around? Ordering chemicals for me? Fixing my machines for me? Having to read Chinese characters when I get lost trying to? Get scolded at by our Advisor because of me? Negotiation on my behalf? Staying up late in the lab to give me a hand? Answer my questions on Line any time of the day or night?
They are the real deal behind my work. They do not receive enough credit for it. They are not being appreciated enough. They do not realize that I need them more than any other group in the campus.
Today was different though. They reacted with surprised looks on their faces. I got the shock of the day. Hope this doesn't last the whole week. Really not in the mood to make another blog post about it.
Well it seems this could be the beginning of a thread-like topic here.
They laughed in mockery at the news that our Advisor has already had my 'next topic' in mind. They gasped at the idea that I would be staying for PhD. They had expected me to finish my paper, have it published and be off and out of the lab.
I had to defend myself by answering their questions with rhetorical questions. I had to. I became defensive.
Yes they were on my side. But I need to get them on my side again. Don't wanna be walking this road alone you guys.
So I am taking my time. Allowing time to let the news sink in. Soon we'll be on the same page again. All I need is time. And orders from my Advisor for my darling lab mates to go about my case. Of course. Then I'll be good.
Good to go. Good to overcome this and be ready for the next, more bigger, hurdles.
My dearest Labmates. We are family. We will always be. Well, at least for the next three years.
Love, Ny.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
My Horrible Sin
I'm slowly and strongly feeling bad about the bad I did. It wasn't just against a friend. It was against a special friend. A soul sister. More like a soul mate kind of sister.
Took me more than 2 months to finally get to grasp the concept of being true to sisterly bonds. I was always slow in learning about friendships, loyalty, genuineness and faithfulness. In growing up.
I am still learning. Humility needs to be the cloud over my head every single day. I need to always be wearing it as my cap.
I'm slowly realising that it's wrong to turn your back against a special friend, push them aside and bring in someone new. Especially when that someone new has been in your friend's history. I'm starting to get the principles that lie within friendship boundaries. Seeing the hurt in me, yet not putting my friend's hurt first.
My horrible sin.
I kept pushing through even though I knew it was wrong. I kept trying to win even though all the universe was against me. I pushed hard. Harder than I have ever pushed. Energy wasted. Wasted in barrels. Wasted time and money. But I had learned. So much.
Love is not earned. It happens. It can't be forced. If it chooses to go, let it go. It will come when it is the right time. Patience. Happiness. Being content. Being okay. Being good. Being kind. Being happy whatever comes. Always be optimistic about every situation. Leave when it's time. Let good things come on their own. Love no matter what. Learn. Live. Give. Love.
I'm learning to take the good out of my horrible situation. My horrible sin.
Love, Ny.
Took me more than 2 months to finally get to grasp the concept of being true to sisterly bonds. I was always slow in learning about friendships, loyalty, genuineness and faithfulness. In growing up.
I am still learning. Humility needs to be the cloud over my head every single day. I need to always be wearing it as my cap.
I'm slowly realising that it's wrong to turn your back against a special friend, push them aside and bring in someone new. Especially when that someone new has been in your friend's history. I'm starting to get the principles that lie within friendship boundaries. Seeing the hurt in me, yet not putting my friend's hurt first.
My horrible sin.
I kept pushing through even though I knew it was wrong. I kept trying to win even though all the universe was against me. I pushed hard. Harder than I have ever pushed. Energy wasted. Wasted in barrels. Wasted time and money. But I had learned. So much.
Love is not earned. It happens. It can't be forced. If it chooses to go, let it go. It will come when it is the right time. Patience. Happiness. Being content. Being okay. Being good. Being kind. Being happy whatever comes. Always be optimistic about every situation. Leave when it's time. Let good things come on their own. Love no matter what. Learn. Live. Give. Love.
I'm learning to take the good out of my horrible situation. My horrible sin.
Love, Ny.
Accepting Rejection.
A quote from 'Funny Texts' page on FB that melted my heart this morning:
'So weird/sad walking past someone in the hallway acting as if you two are strangers when in reality you used to know them better than anyone.'
Just feeling like this is gonna be me in a few weeks when new semester starts.
It's gonna be weird and sad.
In the cafetaria. 7-11. On the roads. In the departments. Around the campus. Inside and outside the school. Everywhere.
Holding my breath now. Dreading the coming months. Gonna face reality. Face my fears.
Accepting rejection. My toughest hurdle ever. Gonna do it.
Rejection. Deal with it.
Love, Ny.
'So weird/sad walking past someone in the hallway acting as if you two are strangers when in reality you used to know them better than anyone.'
Just feeling like this is gonna be me in a few weeks when new semester starts.
It's gonna be weird and sad.
In the cafetaria. 7-11. On the roads. In the departments. Around the campus. Inside and outside the school. Everywhere.
Holding my breath now. Dreading the coming months. Gonna face reality. Face my fears.
Accepting rejection. My toughest hurdle ever. Gonna do it.
Rejection. Deal with it.
Love, Ny.
PhD. My Story for Success.
I smell success on the horizon. It's coming towards me. I feel a tone of seriousness taking over me. A feeling of determination.
A prepared soldier going into war. An armed warrior fully equipped.
I feel strength gathering inside me. Bones, muscles and nerves getting the whole system ready for battle. I'm taking over everything in my way. Going to swiftly conquer all obstacles in my path. Victories are mine to gain. Failures be my stepping stones as I publish and keep publishing my finished work till I'm done.
I'm stepping up my game and loving this journey already.
If God before me, who can be against me?
Bring on the next 3 years. PhD. My story for success.
For in God I trust.
Love, Ny.
Friday, August 14, 2015
My Title. My Profession. Not my Name.
I've been saying this the past months while gearing up to start Phd. When friends start to call me Dr Nelma. That I don't want to be named after my qualification.
I have the names given to me at birth. And I have my self included few additional ones too. There are already six of them. That's already one too many names. Only four of them are official. Meaning they are written on my passport and other IDs. Still too long. Not to mention my Chinese name that's written and stamped on most important documents.
The title of 'Dr' can stay in my certificates where it belongs. In official documents where I need it. And be used to address me during official gatherings and functions.
Other than that, please call me by my first and middle names when the time comes. Use my Chinese name if you wish. I love my Chinese name. Address me by my numerous nicknames. Given to me by my very many friends back home and overseas. Ny, Nelo, Nelco, Tigs, Nigel, and others. Every one of my name is special in its own way. I didn't work hard in school to get them. They are mine. They represent me. They are me.
It's true that I work hard in school and work. I thrive there. And for this very reason, whatever titles I earn while in school or work will stay there. Where they belong.
Yes. Of course. I'd always love me some acknowledgements. Sure. Just do it at the right time. In the right place.
My title(s). My Profession. Not my Name.
Love, Ny.
I have the names given to me at birth. And I have my self included few additional ones too. There are already six of them. That's already one too many names. Only four of them are official. Meaning they are written on my passport and other IDs. Still too long. Not to mention my Chinese name that's written and stamped on most important documents.
The title of 'Dr' can stay in my certificates where it belongs. In official documents where I need it. And be used to address me during official gatherings and functions.
Other than that, please call me by my first and middle names when the time comes. Use my Chinese name if you wish. I love my Chinese name. Address me by my numerous nicknames. Given to me by my very many friends back home and overseas. Ny, Nelo, Nelco, Tigs, Nigel, and others. Every one of my name is special in its own way. I didn't work hard in school to get them. They are mine. They represent me. They are me.
It's true that I work hard in school and work. I thrive there. And for this very reason, whatever titles I earn while in school or work will stay there. Where they belong.
Yes. Of course. I'd always love me some acknowledgements. Sure. Just do it at the right time. In the right place.
My title(s). My Profession. Not my Name.
Love, Ny.
Untimely longings
Yebo. I get that a lot. In season and out of season.
At times they are deep. Other times shallow.
At times they are being met. More often than not they are just passing by and caused or forced to move on.
Fleeting emotions. At the pace of the minute hands of my living room clock.
My yearning feeling doth wait. At times. Yes. Only at times.
I right a lot of things. I also wrong a lot of them. Ok probably much more than the things I right.
I right a lot of people. And wrong a whole lot more.
I put the blame on those untimely longings. They feel good. But undesirable and unwelcomed when weirdness results. I get restless. Uptight and not loosened up.
Untimely longings. They lead to doing without first thinking. Humiliation follows. Shame. Awkwardness.
Untimely longings.
I shake my head in disgust. I run out of things to say. I pull back, go red and shut myself down. Then I bow and escape.
I'm gone.
Love, Ny.
At times they are deep. Other times shallow.
At times they are being met. More often than not they are just passing by and caused or forced to move on.
Fleeting emotions. At the pace of the minute hands of my living room clock.
My yearning feeling doth wait. At times. Yes. Only at times.
I right a lot of things. I also wrong a lot of them. Ok probably much more than the things I right.
I right a lot of people. And wrong a whole lot more.
I put the blame on those untimely longings. They feel good. But undesirable and unwelcomed when weirdness results. I get restless. Uptight and not loosened up.
Untimely longings. They lead to doing without first thinking. Humiliation follows. Shame. Awkwardness.
Untimely longings.
I shake my head in disgust. I run out of things to say. I pull back, go red and shut myself down. Then I bow and escape.
I'm gone.
Love, Ny.
Lamingtons. The good stuff
The good stuff in life. They come once in a while. Just like lamingtons.
Coming from a lower middle class family, lamingtons used to be a bit expensive in primary school. I go hungry just so I could have a piece during recess. Then I'd have nothing for lunch. And this actually happens like more than once a week.
I learned my lesson and upon leaving primary school, I'd have lamingtons only on occasion.
Lamingtons are always good treats. They represent the good stuff. The stuff that we don't get all the time. The special things. The good times. The treats in life.
Truth is, lamingtons will get eaten up eventually. They go mold if left uneaten. They are too sweet and would attract unwanted insects. They don't linger long. New ones have to be made every time.
Sad to say, lamingtons are temporary.
Good times are like lamingtons. They don't stick around. They leave, sometimes too soon. Sometimes so unexpected. Good people don't always stick around too. They leave. They depart.
Alas! Good times, just like lamingtons, are momentary.
Savor the good times. Appreciate the beauty of your present situation. Every situation whether good or bad has its own beauty. There's always a good in everyone you meet. One just has to have the eye for it.
Be grateful for the people around you. People matter. Put family first. Prioritise.
Life goes on. Tomorrow will always come. A new day. A different time. A change.
I still look forward to eating lamingtons whenever the chance arises. I look foward to good times. Times of enjoyment. I live for these times. I spend my money on little temporary pleasures and lamingtons are still my faves.
I am learning though.
I'm learning to have my own lamingtons. They come in all situations, shapes and sizes. I'm learning to learn from every situation I'm in. Good or bad. I'm learning from every encounter I have with every person I meet. To accept that there's a reason for every meeting. Whether long or short.
I'm learning to love my type of lamingtons. The good stuff in life.
My good stuff. They come every once in a while. Seldom. Other types quite often. Still other types more often than expected. More regular than I would have welcomed. More bad than good. More lows than highs. More gloom than light. But they are my good stuff in life. They are my type of lamingtons.
I'm learning to speak beauty into my situation. My highs and my lows. My good stuff. My lamingtons. I love.
Love, Ny.
Coming from a lower middle class family, lamingtons used to be a bit expensive in primary school. I go hungry just so I could have a piece during recess. Then I'd have nothing for lunch. And this actually happens like more than once a week.
I learned my lesson and upon leaving primary school, I'd have lamingtons only on occasion.
Lamingtons are always good treats. They represent the good stuff. The stuff that we don't get all the time. The special things. The good times. The treats in life.
Truth is, lamingtons will get eaten up eventually. They go mold if left uneaten. They are too sweet and would attract unwanted insects. They don't linger long. New ones have to be made every time.
Sad to say, lamingtons are temporary.
Good times are like lamingtons. They don't stick around. They leave, sometimes too soon. Sometimes so unexpected. Good people don't always stick around too. They leave. They depart.
Alas! Good times, just like lamingtons, are momentary.
Savor the good times. Appreciate the beauty of your present situation. Every situation whether good or bad has its own beauty. There's always a good in everyone you meet. One just has to have the eye for it.
Be grateful for the people around you. People matter. Put family first. Prioritise.
Life goes on. Tomorrow will always come. A new day. A different time. A change.
I still look forward to eating lamingtons whenever the chance arises. I look foward to good times. Times of enjoyment. I live for these times. I spend my money on little temporary pleasures and lamingtons are still my faves.
I am learning though.
I'm learning to have my own lamingtons. They come in all situations, shapes and sizes. I'm learning to learn from every situation I'm in. Good or bad. I'm learning from every encounter I have with every person I meet. To accept that there's a reason for every meeting. Whether long or short.
I'm learning to love my type of lamingtons. The good stuff in life.
My good stuff. They come every once in a while. Seldom. Other types quite often. Still other types more often than expected. More regular than I would have welcomed. More bad than good. More lows than highs. More gloom than light. But they are my good stuff in life. They are my type of lamingtons.
I'm learning to speak beauty into my situation. My highs and my lows. My good stuff. My lamingtons. I love.
Love, Ny.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
The in-betweens
Those moments in between moments of non-consciousness. Those are the moments that bring back the most regrettable and most recent of dramas. Dramas that have been caused by none other but the profoundly stupid persuasive me.
My regrets are always of things that I say and do that I think puts the other party off.
Why do I do stuff like that? Why can't I take my time with non-pressing matters? Why do I make a fool of myself? Why am I always stupid with such things? Why do I allow small things like that to stress me out? Why am I annoying? Why why why??????
I get on with my daily school work then hang out with friends. But in between those major events, the moments in between seem to still control my days and nights.
Stolen moments change my attitude, make or break my days and take me back to embarrassingly crazy times.
I hate myself for those times. Thinking about those times make me literally just wanna die right here.
The moments in betweens. Please. Kill me.
......., Ny.
My regrets are always of things that I say and do that I think puts the other party off.
Why do I do stuff like that? Why can't I take my time with non-pressing matters? Why do I make a fool of myself? Why am I always stupid with such things? Why do I allow small things like that to stress me out? Why am I annoying? Why why why??????
I get on with my daily school work then hang out with friends. But in between those major events, the moments in between seem to still control my days and nights.
Stolen moments change my attitude, make or break my days and take me back to embarrassingly crazy times.
I hate myself for those times. Thinking about those times make me literally just wanna die right here.
The moments in betweens. Please. Kill me.
......., Ny.
Degree of Master of Science!!!!
Got my Master's Degree Certificate today!!!!!
I'm speechless.
THANK YOU LORD!!!!!
Love, Ny.
I'm speechless.
THANK YOU LORD!!!!!
Love, Ny.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Powerful Things
Powerful. Touching. Heart-rending. Tear-jerking. Stirring. Powerful things.
Things that are not seen. Things that are out of sight. Out of the public eye. But when manifested, the results are just so powerful.
So touching they bring tears. They make the strong weak. The weak strong. They open one's eyes to possibilities never been disclosed before. They open up the heavens. Raining down miracles to the believer. To those with open arms.
Preparation.
That's what it takes for someone to go up on stage, sing their heart out, belt the song, and touch their audience to the very core of their beings.
That was exactly what a favorite singer of mine did to me today.
Tears welled up in my heart and overflowed into my eyes as she beautifully sang her heart out. It was a quiet, serene atmosphere and the crowd was a lovely passionate group of fans. She took her time giving out a totally raw but very refined performance with her acoustic guitar. An acoustic guitar player of her band stood three meters to her right, skillfully playing along with her.
It was heavenly.
It's true that a song can take you everywhere in time. Back to the past digging up old memories. Fast forward to the future where imaginations run wild and could even stop the hands of time.
This, however, was different.
This particular singer pushes me onward. She inspires and motivates me towards every good work. She makes me know that good things come to those who work. Good luck really does go after hard work.
When in the silence and no one is in sight, time given to preparation and practice boosts energy. Good things accumulate. Powerful stuff grow wings. Powerful wings so strong they break through every obstacle in the way.
When in the silence and no one is looking, construction and training puts everything in order. Dreams take form and gradually make their way into the dreamer's waking reality.
Anything truly is possible when one puts his/her mind, heart and soul into his/her passion.
I gazed with my heart open, breathing in and absorbing every word, sight and emotion as she delivers an awesome masterpiece of bare emotive soulful sounds. Her eyes were closed as she feels every single word, diffuses those feelings into the yearning listener's heart and effortlessly driving the song home.
Preparation and passion, with all honesty, devotion and persistence, without a doubt, sure does bring forth powerful things.
Unquestionable. Powerful. Things.
Love, Ny.
Things that are not seen. Things that are out of sight. Out of the public eye. But when manifested, the results are just so powerful.
So touching they bring tears. They make the strong weak. The weak strong. They open one's eyes to possibilities never been disclosed before. They open up the heavens. Raining down miracles to the believer. To those with open arms.
Preparation.
That's what it takes for someone to go up on stage, sing their heart out, belt the song, and touch their audience to the very core of their beings.
That was exactly what a favorite singer of mine did to me today.
Tears welled up in my heart and overflowed into my eyes as she beautifully sang her heart out. It was a quiet, serene atmosphere and the crowd was a lovely passionate group of fans. She took her time giving out a totally raw but very refined performance with her acoustic guitar. An acoustic guitar player of her band stood three meters to her right, skillfully playing along with her.
It was heavenly.
It's true that a song can take you everywhere in time. Back to the past digging up old memories. Fast forward to the future where imaginations run wild and could even stop the hands of time.
This, however, was different.
This particular singer pushes me onward. She inspires and motivates me towards every good work. She makes me know that good things come to those who work. Good luck really does go after hard work.
When in the silence and no one is in sight, time given to preparation and practice boosts energy. Good things accumulate. Powerful stuff grow wings. Powerful wings so strong they break through every obstacle in the way.
When in the silence and no one is looking, construction and training puts everything in order. Dreams take form and gradually make their way into the dreamer's waking reality.
Anything truly is possible when one puts his/her mind, heart and soul into his/her passion.
I gazed with my heart open, breathing in and absorbing every word, sight and emotion as she delivers an awesome masterpiece of bare emotive soulful sounds. Her eyes were closed as she feels every single word, diffuses those feelings into the yearning listener's heart and effortlessly driving the song home.
Preparation and passion, with all honesty, devotion and persistence, without a doubt, sure does bring forth powerful things.
Unquestionable. Powerful. Things.
Love, Ny.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Did I say I loved the noise in the house?
Did I just say I loved the noise in the house?
Well my neighbors weren't in the same page with me. We got scolded today. Told off and told to keep the noise level down so people can sleep.
Happy people right? Nah, just happy islanders. The usual cheers of laughter cracking up our lungs.
We do really need to be located in some isolated island where no one will hear us. Where we can burst our bronchitis or whatever those things are in our lungs. Every hour in the house is noise-related.
But hey, we have good music too. Good music cannot be called noise. Ok maybe, if everyone else in the house is humming along sounding like fierce roars of a group of wild lions attacking their prey.
Oh well. Islanders. More like crazy islanders.
What's new? It's the same everywhere and anywhere you find islanders grouping together.
Hand in hand we move quietly. Moving in slow motion and silent rhythms. Slow beats at very low volumes.
NOT.
We love you neighbors. And we love ourselves too.
Love, Ny.
Well my neighbors weren't in the same page with me. We got scolded today. Told off and told to keep the noise level down so people can sleep.
Happy people right? Nah, just happy islanders. The usual cheers of laughter cracking up our lungs.
We do really need to be located in some isolated island where no one will hear us. Where we can burst our bronchitis or whatever those things are in our lungs. Every hour in the house is noise-related.
But hey, we have good music too. Good music cannot be called noise. Ok maybe, if everyone else in the house is humming along sounding like fierce roars of a group of wild lions attacking their prey.
Oh well. Islanders. More like crazy islanders.
What's new? It's the same everywhere and anywhere you find islanders grouping together.
Hand in hand we move quietly. Moving in slow motion and silent rhythms. Slow beats at very low volumes.
NOT.
We love you neighbors. And we love ourselves too.
Love, Ny.
Family Loves
I woke up feeling so grateful today.
I'm grateful for family. For sisters. For friends.
I love the loud laughter all around the house. The jokes. Sometimes they're too funny one laughs until they can't laugh anymore. The whole house just shakes with very loud noise.
You never know how situations will turn around. One will be sharing her heart out, and someone just puts humor into it, totally turning it around and making everyone just crack up again.
I love the happy times. At times they're too good you just wanna cuddle each other. Give each one a hard, tight squeeze and trying your best not to break each other's bones.
Thank God for the love. Thank God for the food. For the plans. Thank God for blessings uncountable. Thank God for good music. Thank God for good company. So special. So unique. So lively. So heartfelt. So uplifting and enriching the soul. Aimless times lead to new ideas of more togetherness. Everything just leads to more and more good times. The Adventure never ends.
I'm grateful. Very grateful. God is good. All the time.
Our summer vacation will be a fun and safe vacation of just family loves all around.
God is Emmanuel.
Love, Ny.
I'm grateful for family. For sisters. For friends.
I love the loud laughter all around the house. The jokes. Sometimes they're too funny one laughs until they can't laugh anymore. The whole house just shakes with very loud noise.
You never know how situations will turn around. One will be sharing her heart out, and someone just puts humor into it, totally turning it around and making everyone just crack up again.
I love the happy times. At times they're too good you just wanna cuddle each other. Give each one a hard, tight squeeze and trying your best not to break each other's bones.
Thank God for the love. Thank God for the food. For the plans. Thank God for blessings uncountable. Thank God for good music. Thank God for good company. So special. So unique. So lively. So heartfelt. So uplifting and enriching the soul. Aimless times lead to new ideas of more togetherness. Everything just leads to more and more good times. The Adventure never ends.
I'm grateful. Very grateful. God is good. All the time.
Our summer vacation will be a fun and safe vacation of just family loves all around.
God is Emmanuel.
Love, Ny.
The Power of Vision (The Word for Today)
Today's reading from The Word for Today gives me so much motivation.
Having a vision for your life gives you four things:
(1) Passion
- It makes you wake up in the morning and bound out of bed because there's something out there you love to do; something you believe in and are good at; something bigger than you; something you can hardly wait to get at.
(2) Motivation
- Author Richard B. Edler said: 'Safe living generally makes for regrets later on. We are all given talents and dreams. Sometimes the two don't march. But more often than not we compromise both before ever finding out. Later on, we find ourselves looking back longingly to that time when we should've chased our true dreams and talents for all they're worth. Don't be pressured into thinking your dreams or talents aren't prudent. They were never meant to be...They were meant to bring joy and fulfilment to your life.'
(3) Direction
- Vision simplifies decision-making. Anything that moves you closer to your vision gets a green light; everything else should be approached with caution. Vision brings what's important to the surface, and weeds out anything that stands in your way. Without vision, good things will keep you from achieving great things. People without a clear vision are easily distracted. They've a tendency to drift aimlessly from one thing to another. They've no spiritual, relational, financial or moral compass. Consequently, they make decisions that rob them of their dreams.
(4) Purpose
- Having vision is like getting a sneak preview of things to come. It says, 'If you don't show up, something important won't happen. Your life matters. Without you, what could be - won't be.
Love this so much, Ny.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
My Quiet.
The Quiet.
Where all thoughts find their wings. Where dreams are birthed. Where all worries fade. Where love is renewed. Where passion grows. Where ideas have their roots. Where the quiet is found.
My Quiet.
I love waking up in the mornings at 4am to read my Bible and pray. I love the way my heart is open and vulnerable and soft and I pray my strength upward to the Highest of all powers. I love the passion that is felt in these silent moments. My desires become so tangible I can actually feel them. My plans grow form. They pick and prick at me. My visions. They become my companions. My constant guides. My ever-faithful encouragers.
I find solid rock. I find security. I find steadiness. I am empowered. Strengthened. I am my own person.
God is with me. I am loved. I am valued. I am fed. I am sheltered. The foundation for my days are secured.
I love the 5 ams readings. I love doing research when everything is fresh. When my side of the earth is preparing all its inhabitants for the new day. I love being up early. I love completing tasks before the world around me starts to buzz.
I love gazing into nothingness. The nothingness that has so much in store for me. I love the invisible around me that holds so much energy from the universe. I love believing that the universe is behind me. Behind my every move. That what I want it will move to get it for me. That it will make it possible. I have the time, the energy and capacity in me to believe in so much.
The quiet is God's quiet with mine.
In the quiet. Anything is possible.
I love my quiet.
Love, Ny.
Where all thoughts find their wings. Where dreams are birthed. Where all worries fade. Where love is renewed. Where passion grows. Where ideas have their roots. Where the quiet is found.
My Quiet.
I love waking up in the mornings at 4am to read my Bible and pray. I love the way my heart is open and vulnerable and soft and I pray my strength upward to the Highest of all powers. I love the passion that is felt in these silent moments. My desires become so tangible I can actually feel them. My plans grow form. They pick and prick at me. My visions. They become my companions. My constant guides. My ever-faithful encouragers.
I find solid rock. I find security. I find steadiness. I am empowered. Strengthened. I am my own person.
God is with me. I am loved. I am valued. I am fed. I am sheltered. The foundation for my days are secured.
I love the 5 ams readings. I love doing research when everything is fresh. When my side of the earth is preparing all its inhabitants for the new day. I love being up early. I love completing tasks before the world around me starts to buzz.
I love gazing into nothingness. The nothingness that has so much in store for me. I love the invisible around me that holds so much energy from the universe. I love believing that the universe is behind me. Behind my every move. That what I want it will move to get it for me. That it will make it possible. I have the time, the energy and capacity in me to believe in so much.
The quiet is God's quiet with mine.
In the quiet. Anything is possible.
I love my quiet.
Love, Ny.
Ask Me
Ask me. Please do. Just ask me. Ask me about anything.
Ask me what I want to do. Ask me where I want to go. Ask me about my desires. My goals for now and for the future. Ask me about the things that really give me joy. Ask me about my fears. The things that shake me to the core.
I don't mind if you tear me open and ask me why. Why I am where I am. Why I did what I did. Why my own personal best insanely drives me every single day. Why I'm too passionate about my passions.
Ask me why I don't care about things I used to care about. Ask me why I've changed so much. Ask me why I came out of my cave. Why I'm not that silent anymore. Why I roar like a lion when I should be a graceful lady.
Ask me why I live out my days in the quiet. Ask me why I love my lab so much. Ask me why I'm not already married at this age. Ask me why my choices in life are what they are.
Don't hold back. Please just ask me. Ask me about anything.
ASK. ME.
Love, Ny.
Ask me what I want to do. Ask me where I want to go. Ask me about my desires. My goals for now and for the future. Ask me about the things that really give me joy. Ask me about my fears. The things that shake me to the core.
I don't mind if you tear me open and ask me why. Why I am where I am. Why I did what I did. Why my own personal best insanely drives me every single day. Why I'm too passionate about my passions.
Ask me why I don't care about things I used to care about. Ask me why I've changed so much. Ask me why I came out of my cave. Why I'm not that silent anymore. Why I roar like a lion when I should be a graceful lady.
Ask me why I live out my days in the quiet. Ask me why I love my lab so much. Ask me why I'm not already married at this age. Ask me why my choices in life are what they are.
Don't hold back. Please just ask me. Ask me about anything.
ASK. ME.
Love, Ny.
Perfectionist?
I used to be one.
I believed i have improved alot in that area. But my behavior is saying otherwise.
I get bogged down when things don't go as planned. I worry when I know I'm running out of money.
I get moody when I don't get to be by myself for at least 5-7 hrs a day. When my me-time is ruined. When my quality time is being cut short. When people are just purely inconsiderate and I prefer to do my work rather than have company. When I have pressing work matters and yet have to take time out of the lab. When peeps just don't understand and I think they should.
I wanna be be able to choose the time when I want company or not.
I don't like dirty surroundings. I specifically don't like it when others make MY surroundings dirty and don't take responsibility for it.
I don't like it that I can't say stuff when I want to. When I think things are out of my control and I can't say anything about it.
I just don't like it when I am just generally not happy with stuff.
Perfectionist?
I'm still deciding on that.
Maybe in another post.
So on to the next one now.
Love, Ny.
I believed i have improved alot in that area. But my behavior is saying otherwise.
I get bogged down when things don't go as planned. I worry when I know I'm running out of money.
I get moody when I don't get to be by myself for at least 5-7 hrs a day. When my me-time is ruined. When my quality time is being cut short. When people are just purely inconsiderate and I prefer to do my work rather than have company. When I have pressing work matters and yet have to take time out of the lab. When peeps just don't understand and I think they should.
I wanna be be able to choose the time when I want company or not.
I don't like dirty surroundings. I specifically don't like it when others make MY surroundings dirty and don't take responsibility for it.
I don't like it that I can't say stuff when I want to. When I think things are out of my control and I can't say anything about it.
I just don't like it when I am just generally not happy with stuff.
Perfectionist?
I'm still deciding on that.
Maybe in another post.
So on to the next one now.
Love, Ny.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Needy Talking Me
I just wanna talk.
Lately it's just been like that.
I had wanted to live in the moment. I had wanted to feel everything around and inside of me. I had wanted to be able to look back and say I fully lived out every one of my waking minutes. Now the moments are just too many for me.
I can't lose touch of my thoughts. Even for just a minute. I am conscious of every single one of them. They are here with me, here to stay and not letting me go anytime soon.
And how do I know this is what's happening to me?
Because I want to talk to someone every chance I'm not doing school work. I want to tell anyone and everyone about my day. What I did. What I am doing. What I will do. What I'm liking about everything that I'm talking about. What I don't like. What I think about my work. Who I'm with. Who I will be with. What we'll be doing. What my plans are for the next day, week, month or year.
Then I'd wanna talk about what I talked about. All the Whys, Wheres, How, What and Who. Just going crazy with even the tiniest details about everything. Just needing to let everything out of my system. The good, the bad, the highs, the lows, the ones in between, the blacks, the whites, the coloured. Even the camouflaged ones. Stuff that are not seen. Invisible stuff that I should just ignore. Everything just needs to go out of this mind, body and soul of mine. And fast too. They need to go out as soon as they appear in my conscious.
And then when I realise I'm talking too much, then I wanna tell someone that I am not desperate. That I am not needy. I wanna justify my words, my actions, my behavior.
What I didn't realise until now was that people can't be there 24/7. You can't find someone there every single time you need them or anyone for that matter.
That's not the case with me though. Once someone is there to talk, I have this tendency to just keep them with me till they can't stand me anymore.
I have this online-apps-crazy problem of always needing to check on someone. To just start a convo with anyone. I have to save myself of this by deleting certain apps from my phone.
I am still working on this crazy-weird behaviour in me.
So let me publish this post and move on to my next one. That's the plan. Every time I wanna click on a contact on Line to start another convo, I'll come here, create a new post and write.
I am determined. I will conquer this. I always do. With time. Of course.
Love, Ny.
Lately it's just been like that.
I had wanted to live in the moment. I had wanted to feel everything around and inside of me. I had wanted to be able to look back and say I fully lived out every one of my waking minutes. Now the moments are just too many for me.
I can't lose touch of my thoughts. Even for just a minute. I am conscious of every single one of them. They are here with me, here to stay and not letting me go anytime soon.
And how do I know this is what's happening to me?
Because I want to talk to someone every chance I'm not doing school work. I want to tell anyone and everyone about my day. What I did. What I am doing. What I will do. What I'm liking about everything that I'm talking about. What I don't like. What I think about my work. Who I'm with. Who I will be with. What we'll be doing. What my plans are for the next day, week, month or year.
Then I'd wanna talk about what I talked about. All the Whys, Wheres, How, What and Who. Just going crazy with even the tiniest details about everything. Just needing to let everything out of my system. The good, the bad, the highs, the lows, the ones in between, the blacks, the whites, the coloured. Even the camouflaged ones. Stuff that are not seen. Invisible stuff that I should just ignore. Everything just needs to go out of this mind, body and soul of mine. And fast too. They need to go out as soon as they appear in my conscious.
And then when I realise I'm talking too much, then I wanna tell someone that I am not desperate. That I am not needy. I wanna justify my words, my actions, my behavior.
What I didn't realise until now was that people can't be there 24/7. You can't find someone there every single time you need them or anyone for that matter.
That's not the case with me though. Once someone is there to talk, I have this tendency to just keep them with me till they can't stand me anymore.
I have this online-apps-crazy problem of always needing to check on someone. To just start a convo with anyone. I have to save myself of this by deleting certain apps from my phone.
I am still working on this crazy-weird behaviour in me.
So let me publish this post and move on to my next one. That's the plan. Every time I wanna click on a contact on Line to start another convo, I'll come here, create a new post and write.
I am determined. I will conquer this. I always do. With time. Of course.
Love, Ny.
Friday, August 7, 2015
Paper Talk
So I'm writing a paper to submit to a scientific journal. And I'm all so new to this publishing paper thingy.
Like, what?
No one-week break for me then. Was gathering up ma confidence while standing by my Advisor's desk yesterday in the hopes of asking him if I could take a week off from the lab. All the words I was rehearsing in my head flew out the window when he handed me a copy of a list of scientific journals and pointed out the one he wanted me to submit my paper to and told me to 'Start writing Gina! Your English is good. It won't be a problem.'
Like, for real?
No time to make plans to celebrate my thesis going into print that day or even to just feel some kind of relief. The only time available is time to talk to people with experience in the publishing thingy; Time to start reading about 'Guide for Authors' and download 'formatting rules, submission rules, etc. Time to write, write and write. Time to spend more time in the lab. Time to submit. Time to wait for reviewers' responses. Time to focus, take responsibility for your topic and content and hope for the best.'
So, like, good luck to me. And. Like. Goodbye summer vacation!
Heaviness in my chest. Lump forming in my throat. Crows flying all over and around in my tummy. Heart beating fast whenever the thought of 'submitting a paper' crosses my mind. I had to always just remind myself that: 'This was what you wanted Nelma. You wanted this now go and get it. You have to do it. You must. You will. You got this.'
So let the heaviness be here to stay. Let the lump get bigger n bigger. Let dem crows keep flying around restlessly. Let the heart beat as fast as it wants to.
I'll take whatever will keep me going. Whatever will keep me on my toes and make me do this. Whatever will keep my standards going up and up. Whatever will make me focus and work with all my might and with everything that I have inside.
So God help me.
Paper Talk. Let it be my number one talk these days.
Love, Ny.
Like, what?
No one-week break for me then. Was gathering up ma confidence while standing by my Advisor's desk yesterday in the hopes of asking him if I could take a week off from the lab. All the words I was rehearsing in my head flew out the window when he handed me a copy of a list of scientific journals and pointed out the one he wanted me to submit my paper to and told me to 'Start writing Gina! Your English is good. It won't be a problem.'
Like, for real?
No time to make plans to celebrate my thesis going into print that day or even to just feel some kind of relief. The only time available is time to talk to people with experience in the publishing thingy; Time to start reading about 'Guide for Authors' and download 'formatting rules, submission rules, etc. Time to write, write and write. Time to spend more time in the lab. Time to submit. Time to wait for reviewers' responses. Time to focus, take responsibility for your topic and content and hope for the best.'
So, like, good luck to me. And. Like. Goodbye summer vacation!
Heaviness in my chest. Lump forming in my throat. Crows flying all over and around in my tummy. Heart beating fast whenever the thought of 'submitting a paper' crosses my mind. I had to always just remind myself that: 'This was what you wanted Nelma. You wanted this now go and get it. You have to do it. You must. You will. You got this.'
So let the heaviness be here to stay. Let the lump get bigger n bigger. Let dem crows keep flying around restlessly. Let the heart beat as fast as it wants to.
I'll take whatever will keep me going. Whatever will keep me on my toes and make me do this. Whatever will keep my standards going up and up. Whatever will make me focus and work with all my might and with everything that I have inside.
So God help me.
Paper Talk. Let it be my number one talk these days.
Love, Ny.
Perculiar me
Was just being called perculiar this morning. I brushed it aside. For a while. And then it dawned on me. That maybe I am really perculiar.
My choices.
Goals in life. Field of education. Place of education. Research area. Work ethics. Interests. Hobbies. Introvert (on condition). Friends. Close friends. Sisters. Boys. Men.
Perculiar?
If I am, then I just hope I'm perculiar in a good way.
Love, Ny.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Growing Up
Growing up. What it means to me.
Talk when you need to. Love with no strings attached. Understand without knowing. Give and not expect anything in return. Know when to confront. Know when to become angry.
Give compliments. Let people be. Give space. Give time. Respect. Lend a hand. Take time to listen. Be a blessing. Keep in touch with family and friends. Smile.
Get a hobby. Look for inspiration. Be positive. Think. Dream. Plan. List. Write. Hope.
Avoid idleness. Avoid boredom. Quit unhealthy habits.
Don't hold grudges. Don't expect too much. Don't live beyond your means. Don't worry too much.
Turn off the phone when need to. Sign out of social network sites. Avoid time-consuming websites.
Work without distractions. Complete work within record time. Stick to deadlines. Concentrate. Focus. Polish. Perfect.
Take time out. Rest. Relax. Meditate. Pray. Have quiet moments. Look and listen to nature. Count your blessings. Sing.
Be grateful. Learn to appreciate. Enjoy the journey.
Growing up. What it means to me.
Love, Ny.
Talk when you need to. Love with no strings attached. Understand without knowing. Give and not expect anything in return. Know when to confront. Know when to become angry.
Give compliments. Let people be. Give space. Give time. Respect. Lend a hand. Take time to listen. Be a blessing. Keep in touch with family and friends. Smile.
Get a hobby. Look for inspiration. Be positive. Think. Dream. Plan. List. Write. Hope.
Avoid idleness. Avoid boredom. Quit unhealthy habits.
Don't hold grudges. Don't expect too much. Don't live beyond your means. Don't worry too much.
Turn off the phone when need to. Sign out of social network sites. Avoid time-consuming websites.
Work without distractions. Complete work within record time. Stick to deadlines. Concentrate. Focus. Polish. Perfect.
Take time out. Rest. Relax. Meditate. Pray. Have quiet moments. Look and listen to nature. Count your blessings. Sing.
Be grateful. Learn to appreciate. Enjoy the journey.
Growing up. What it means to me.
Love, Ny.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Dealing.
I'm still dealing with getting over that phase. That period. That person. That someone that I like so much. That (fantasy) stage that I'm addicted to.
But how do I get over something/someone when I don't even know where I stand in it.
Oh God.
From being so loved to being so loathed, liked then rejected, appreciated then being lied to and avoided at all cost.
How do I deal? Should I move on? Or should I wait and see what happens?
It hurts. It does. It tags at my heart strings.
Everything I see around me reminds me of everything I shouldn't be reminded of.
I still remember everything so clearly. I still feel. I still think. I still like. Worst of all, I still love.
I was always wrong. In a lot of things. My genuine love became actions expressed by desperate moves. My intentions were good, they were the best (I believed so). But my expressions of them were the total opposite. I couldn't stop.
I went crazy at times. Obsessed with love. Obsessed with imaginary fantasies. Obsessed with dreams of the one I am (or was?) with. Obsessed with happiness. Obsessed with being loved. Obsessed with being obsessed. Just plain obsessed.
I went out of control. Went into desperate rage. I just went on and on without stopping until I was blocked of all means of communication. Then I stopped, organised myself, started to pick up the pieces and even though I still hurt, I tried to get moving in a new direction. Moving at a snail's pace, but at least I'm moving.
I'm still fighting. Still learning. Still growing in wisdom (I like to believe so :) )
And in all these, I find, that God is still good. All the time. He lifts me up out of the miry clay. He sets my feet on higher ground. He shows me His faithfulness, His goodness and His abundant grace. God is good. All the time. God is truly good. Has been. Always will be.
Love, Ny.
But how do I get over something/someone when I don't even know where I stand in it.
Oh God.
From being so loved to being so loathed, liked then rejected, appreciated then being lied to and avoided at all cost.
How do I deal? Should I move on? Or should I wait and see what happens?
It hurts. It does. It tags at my heart strings.
Everything I see around me reminds me of everything I shouldn't be reminded of.
I still remember everything so clearly. I still feel. I still think. I still like. Worst of all, I still love.
I was always wrong. In a lot of things. My genuine love became actions expressed by desperate moves. My intentions were good, they were the best (I believed so). But my expressions of them were the total opposite. I couldn't stop.
I went crazy at times. Obsessed with love. Obsessed with imaginary fantasies. Obsessed with dreams of the one I am (or was?) with. Obsessed with happiness. Obsessed with being loved. Obsessed with being obsessed. Just plain obsessed.
I went out of control. Went into desperate rage. I just went on and on without stopping until I was blocked of all means of communication. Then I stopped, organised myself, started to pick up the pieces and even though I still hurt, I tried to get moving in a new direction. Moving at a snail's pace, but at least I'm moving.
I'm still fighting. Still learning. Still growing in wisdom (I like to believe so :) )
And in all these, I find, that God is still good. All the time. He lifts me up out of the miry clay. He sets my feet on higher ground. He shows me His faithfulness, His goodness and His abundant grace. God is good. All the time. God is truly good. Has been. Always will be.
Love, Ny.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Don't go by your feelings.
Woke up feeling like I've just been in a dark pit somewhere unknown.
Word for Today devotional says 'don't go by your feelings'. And it's so true. I'm trusting God's hand that is at work in my life for today. The last day of thesis correction before putting it to print. The thesis that I dedicated to my late grandmother, Mami Olo, who passed on less than a year ago. I still miss her so much.
A small section from my 'Acknowledgements' says:
"My limitations and human frailties were exposed throughout this journey. I stumbled and fell, countless disappointments ensued and my love and confidence shattered time and again. In spite of all these circumstances the Lord remained faithful. He ushered me through all these difficulties and helped me to successfully complete this important phase of my life. Thank you Lord for your providence."
"My limitations and human frailties were exposed throughout this journey. I stumbled and fell, countless disappointments ensued and my love and confidence shattered time and again. In spite of all these circumstances the Lord remained faithful. He ushered me through all these difficulties and helped me to successfully complete this important phase of my life. Thank you Lord for your providence."
Going with the strength of the Lord today. Thoughts of every worthless thing can go dig yourselves a grave and rot.
.
Agua!!!!
Good morning from beautiful Pingtung.
Love, Ny.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Finding strength in God (and Monday morning rambling).
Still trying to get a hang on this writing thing. Been awhile since I've written a 18/20 narrative essay :). Yeah that was back in high school at KGVI, Solies. Please excuse my lack of good grammar, incoherence and lame sentence structure. Still trying to get back into the flow I used to have back in the days. So good luck to me.
A very good morning from the beautiful NPUST campus, Pingtung. It's sunny today, no signs of drizzles of any kind. The skies are a clear blue. But you can never tell sometimes how the weather will keep up throughout the day. Taiwan is just well known for its 4 season a day weather.
Final copies of my thesis are coming along and very much hoping everything will turn out okay so I could have them formally printed this week. Then we can move on to the next phase in this masters-to-phd transition plateau.
6 more weeks till classes begin. I am still enjoying the quietness and solace around the campus. The late nights hangouts here and there. Chilling like there's no tomorrow.
Okay I'm gonna stop here before I exaggerate about how I'm relaxing. Like hello Ny you have a paper to publish or else kick start your PhD project. And that's actually the reality. Very limited time for chilling even on a summer vacation. Gotta love graduate school.
Clock reads 8:35am and I'm still catching up on emails and messages from friends in the Solies. Miss home. But life is always where you are in the present. So jia you Ny.
Thinking and praying for my dear sister and very very very close and special friend S.B. in the Solies today.
We will always find strength in God when we draw close to Him.
Love, Ny.
A very good morning from the beautiful NPUST campus, Pingtung. It's sunny today, no signs of drizzles of any kind. The skies are a clear blue. But you can never tell sometimes how the weather will keep up throughout the day. Taiwan is just well known for its 4 season a day weather.
Final copies of my thesis are coming along and very much hoping everything will turn out okay so I could have them formally printed this week. Then we can move on to the next phase in this masters-to-phd transition plateau.
6 more weeks till classes begin. I am still enjoying the quietness and solace around the campus. The late nights hangouts here and there. Chilling like there's no tomorrow.
Okay I'm gonna stop here before I exaggerate about how I'm relaxing. Like hello Ny you have a paper to publish or else kick start your PhD project. And that's actually the reality. Very limited time for chilling even on a summer vacation. Gotta love graduate school.
Clock reads 8:35am and I'm still catching up on emails and messages from friends in the Solies. Miss home. But life is always where you are in the present. So jia you Ny.
Thinking and praying for my dear sister and very very very close and special friend S.B. in the Solies today.
We will always find strength in God when we draw close to Him.
Love, Ny.
Specific Phobia
I am beginning to figure out the specific fear that always fills my stomach up, gives me dizziness in the head, and causes my knees to tremble like I'm having malaria or some mosquito related illness like that.
The thing is, every time I had to go see my Advisor, I have this great fear that clutches the whole of me and seems to snap at me everywhere in the face. My appetite disappears and I get the feels of how it would be like when the world comes to an end and I stand between heaven and hell on Judgement Day.
I looked it up on the net and came up with 'specific phobias' that some people have. But I seem to be falling out of the definition.
That's when I realized that it's only when I haven't been on the right track with what I am expected to do that my body sends me all those warning signals telling me everything is going to go wrong unless I pick up my slothful lazy self, focus on the task at hand, break free of all that distracts me and freaken get down to real business for goodness sake.
Dayyymm girl!!!!!!
Specific phobia?
Yeah Right! The struggle is not even real. Epic. Fail. Shame. Duks! :) :)
Deadline is coming. I'm pulling up my socks. See you on the other side dear Thesis.
Love, Ny.
The thing is, every time I had to go see my Advisor, I have this great fear that clutches the whole of me and seems to snap at me everywhere in the face. My appetite disappears and I get the feels of how it would be like when the world comes to an end and I stand between heaven and hell on Judgement Day.
I looked it up on the net and came up with 'specific phobias' that some people have. But I seem to be falling out of the definition.
That's when I realized that it's only when I haven't been on the right track with what I am expected to do that my body sends me all those warning signals telling me everything is going to go wrong unless I pick up my slothful lazy self, focus on the task at hand, break free of all that distracts me and freaken get down to real business for goodness sake.
Dayyymm girl!!!!!!
Specific phobia?
Yeah Right! The struggle is not even real. Epic. Fail. Shame. Duks! :) :)
Deadline is coming. I'm pulling up my socks. See you on the other side dear Thesis.
Love, Ny.
I forget to breathe sometimes.
'You know I forget to breathe sometimes.
I'm so afraid to fall behind.
Why do I let the pressure take over my mind.
When I know the truth is never wrong.
I'm alright.
This is right where I belong.' - Tori Kelly (Luv dis girl :) )
DEEP.
The lyrics couldn't be any further from the truth. My truth. Pressures of all kinds flood my mind day and night. I could never keep up sometimes. I forget to slow down. I forget to take a breather. I forget to say a simple prayer. I forget about my self. And not just sometimes. Most of the time.
I live. Yes I do. But is weighing oneself down with unnecessary worries living at all?
People. Relationships. Friends. Family. Research. Writing. Labmates. Advisor. Money. Food. Plans. Plans. Plans. Future. Future Husband. Ok. There we go. Future Husband.
I'm done.
Love, Ny.
I'm so afraid to fall behind.
Why do I let the pressure take over my mind.
When I know the truth is never wrong.
I'm alright.
This is right where I belong.' - Tori Kelly (Luv dis girl :) )
DEEP.
The lyrics couldn't be any further from the truth. My truth. Pressures of all kinds flood my mind day and night. I could never keep up sometimes. I forget to slow down. I forget to take a breather. I forget to say a simple prayer. I forget about my self. And not just sometimes. Most of the time.
I live. Yes I do. But is weighing oneself down with unnecessary worries living at all?
People. Relationships. Friends. Family. Research. Writing. Labmates. Advisor. Money. Food. Plans. Plans. Plans. Future. Future Husband. Ok. There we go. Future Husband.
I'm done.
Love, Ny.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
My Amazing God
Yesterday was a blast.
A girls day out at Liangshan waterfall just a few 30 minutes from NPUST.
Standing there at the bottom of the falls water as it comes crashing down on me, I think of the greatness and faithfulness of God. I think of His ways and thoughts being higher than ours. I think of how He has brought me here, how gracious He is in everything and how He has marvelously blessed me in so many ways.
I have a truly amazing God.
I am reminded that it doesn't matter whatever chaos there is in our lives. When we have God there's always a peaceful place that we can run to.
A silvery scene of quietness in the midst of turmoil was what I was envisioning while floating above the beautiful waters with the sounds of rushing falls just a few meters away from my reach.
As excited as I was about the journey I am about to embark on, I am also scared for the tribulations that lie ahead of me as well as for my sanity. So God help me.
I am grateful and will always be for I believe God is the Author and the Finisher of His purpose and will for my life.
May His Name Be Praised!
Love, Ny.
A girls day out at Liangshan waterfall just a few 30 minutes from NPUST.
Standing there at the bottom of the falls water as it comes crashing down on me, I think of the greatness and faithfulness of God. I think of His ways and thoughts being higher than ours. I think of how He has brought me here, how gracious He is in everything and how He has marvelously blessed me in so many ways.
I have a truly amazing God.
I am reminded that it doesn't matter whatever chaos there is in our lives. When we have God there's always a peaceful place that we can run to.
A silvery scene of quietness in the midst of turmoil was what I was envisioning while floating above the beautiful waters with the sounds of rushing falls just a few meters away from my reach.
As excited as I was about the journey I am about to embark on, I am also scared for the tribulations that lie ahead of me as well as for my sanity. So God help me.
I am grateful and will always be for I believe God is the Author and the Finisher of His purpose and will for my life.
May His Name Be Praised!
Love, Ny.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Let God restore.
Been going through a lot lately. You know how there are times that you go from one hurt to another, and then you meet someone so genuine, so nice but you've already decided you have to take time away from the dating scene and be on your own for awhile? Well the timing couldn't be more right for my present situation.
I am not perfect. I will never be and I don't strive to be. I'm very stubborn at times. I let pride in and I fall. And the worse part was that I fall right in front of other people too.
Sometimes I just can't deal.
My faith, my only rock, however weak it is, will always be the one thing I trust to keep me going. I will find strength in all this. For I know my God is by my side.
My reading today from the Word for Today Devotional was 'Let God restore You'.
Daniel 4:34-36 NKJV
'I...lifted my eyes to Heaven, and...I was restored...'
'You can hurt so much that you stop trusting everybody, including God. You stop praying and reading the Bible, you avoid those who want to help, and you refuse to let anybody pray for you.
The Bible says, 'Do not harden your hearts' (Hebrews 3:35 NKJV)
Today, acknowledge that you've fallen and let God restore you.'
Let it be our prayer today to 'Let God restore us'. Amen.
Love, Ny.
I am not perfect. I will never be and I don't strive to be. I'm very stubborn at times. I let pride in and I fall. And the worse part was that I fall right in front of other people too.
Sometimes I just can't deal.
My faith, my only rock, however weak it is, will always be the one thing I trust to keep me going. I will find strength in all this. For I know my God is by my side.
My reading today from the Word for Today Devotional was 'Let God restore You'.
Daniel 4:34-36 NKJV
'I...lifted my eyes to Heaven, and...I was restored...'
'You can hurt so much that you stop trusting everybody, including God. You stop praying and reading the Bible, you avoid those who want to help, and you refuse to let anybody pray for you.
The Bible says, 'Do not harden your hearts' (Hebrews 3:35 NKJV)
Today, acknowledge that you've fallen and let God restore you.'
Let it be our prayer today to 'Let God restore us'. Amen.
Love, Ny.
Haka Prac
So decided to post a video today. More will be posted in the future.
Today I want to start with the not so long ago past, of some of us, the Coconuts, practising the Haka with our boys for NPUST Sports Day, 2015.
Enjoy.
Love, Ny.
Blessed random day
Woke up this morning to find my lab mate sitting at his desk a meter away from the foot of the spring bed I was sleeping on. Jumped right up, straight to my desk, head bowed, and completed the last 5 minutes of my beauty sleep. Precious sleep.
The lab has become my home. My lab mates and I. We are family.
Giving myself another 2 hrs before I check on my Advisor. I'll always believe he was sent straight from heaven to be my Savior. God bless his soul.
God bless this day.
Love, Ny.
The lab has become my home. My lab mates and I. We are family.
Giving myself another 2 hrs before I check on my Advisor. I'll always believe he was sent straight from heaven to be my Savior. God bless his soul.
God bless this day.
Love, Ny.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Stress-smiling mode before pulling an all -niter.
God bless my poor deep-in-thought-18-hrs-a-day brain, for today I move on from a (very, very, very, nausea-causing, wanna-kill-myself-type-of-feeling) difficult phase.
Oh wait. I'll get back to you guys on this one.
Need to complete correcting my Masters thesis before my Advisor chases me out of his office tomorrow. Today.
Time check: 12:43am
Cappucino, please be my nightingale tonight.
Sweet dreams folks.
Love, Ny.
Oh wait. I'll get back to you guys on this one.
Need to complete correcting my Masters thesis before my Advisor chases me out of his office tomorrow. Today.
Time check: 12:43am
Cappucino, please be my nightingale tonight.
Sweet dreams folks.
Love, Ny.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
First things first
Started blogging today.
Been reading a lot of prep notes for the PhD journey ahead lately, so thought it's best I write, then write some more, and keep writing.
Soooooo first things first. Yebo! I made some pretty serious vows today: (Okay vows to keep for an indefinite amount of time until the time is right to break them).
- No facebook
- No wasting time
- No celebrity news
- No more than 1 hr of guitar practice sessions
Bottom line: NO BOYS! (Ya'll kno I'm joking right? Bf no cross plz. Garem chuuu. PhD plz be kind to me.)
I'm loving my new blog already :)
Love, Ny.
Love, Ny.
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